Monday, March 06, 2006
Auger Management
This was first written a month ago
Bought an auger and some Drano this morning because the floor of my shower stall is now an above ground pool and the drain is all hardened soap and matted hair and shit like that.
The 7 dollar tool is dangerous, stupid and ineffective but at least there’s Drano on the bottom of my sneakers. Then I went to Staples for further adventures of the situational moron.
I look at a bookcase that was sitting on a metal shelf. I pulled the bookcase forward to check out the backing and the heavy wood shelf commenced to fall four feet landing across my instep. Sure it hurt but because it was so stupid I just picked it up and slid it back in place but turning to my right I saw there was this 6’5” pterodactyl wing span dude just staring at me. “Mr. Frederick?”
The guy was 40 and the last time I saw him he was 15 and 5’6” I knew his uncle who was a certifiable in house lunatic and this guy had picked up the banner. He started telling me about 10 years of sobriety, took two years off, and now is on a seven year streak if you don’t count the lithium and other anti psychotic medications. He told me he had a closed head injury and ask if I could tell that the right side of his body moved 28 percent slower than his left. I tried not to notice because it wasn’t noticeable.
He then introduced me to his girl friend who had hands and fingernails like a construction worker, died red hair with gray roots, beard stubble and an in between voice. Then I saw it, she was transsexual and I tried not to look at her either or the 28 percent slower on the right guy.
Only last night I was sitting at the press table at a basketball game. It was halftime. A middle aged woman came up to me and asked, ”Are you still ornery as ever?” Then she asked me if I were going to have a brain operation which hospital would I choose then gave me about eight options. I choose Johns Hopkins.
“Don’t fucking go there, ”she said. “I have epilepsy, as you know, and the operation was supposed to have a 90 percent cure rate but it didn’t fucking work.”
And you know something, these things happened to me over a 12 hour period and I’m not making fun of these people but the story as it unfolds in front of “drop a book shelf on your stupid foot Mr. Auger Management man’ is funny.
The characters are kind of sad but they don’t know that. I saw them as deserving of kindness and my attention if that’s what they wanted.
Now Mr. “No Chance” will try to assemble a bookcase in a box with nothing but a hammer and 17 craftsman screwdrivers
Peace Freddogg
Bought an auger and some Drano this morning because the floor of my shower stall is now an above ground pool and the drain is all hardened soap and matted hair and shit like that.
The 7 dollar tool is dangerous, stupid and ineffective but at least there’s Drano on the bottom of my sneakers. Then I went to Staples for further adventures of the situational moron.
I look at a bookcase that was sitting on a metal shelf. I pulled the bookcase forward to check out the backing and the heavy wood shelf commenced to fall four feet landing across my instep. Sure it hurt but because it was so stupid I just picked it up and slid it back in place but turning to my right I saw there was this 6’5” pterodactyl wing span dude just staring at me. “Mr. Frederick?”
The guy was 40 and the last time I saw him he was 15 and 5’6” I knew his uncle who was a certifiable in house lunatic and this guy had picked up the banner. He started telling me about 10 years of sobriety, took two years off, and now is on a seven year streak if you don’t count the lithium and other anti psychotic medications. He told me he had a closed head injury and ask if I could tell that the right side of his body moved 28 percent slower than his left. I tried not to notice because it wasn’t noticeable.
He then introduced me to his girl friend who had hands and fingernails like a construction worker, died red hair with gray roots, beard stubble and an in between voice. Then I saw it, she was transsexual and I tried not to look at her either or the 28 percent slower on the right guy.
Only last night I was sitting at the press table at a basketball game. It was halftime. A middle aged woman came up to me and asked, ”Are you still ornery as ever?” Then she asked me if I were going to have a brain operation which hospital would I choose then gave me about eight options. I choose Johns Hopkins.
“Don’t fucking go there, ”she said. “I have epilepsy, as you know, and the operation was supposed to have a 90 percent cure rate but it didn’t fucking work.”
And you know something, these things happened to me over a 12 hour period and I’m not making fun of these people but the story as it unfolds in front of “drop a book shelf on your stupid foot Mr. Auger Management man’ is funny.
The characters are kind of sad but they don’t know that. I saw them as deserving of kindness and my attention if that’s what they wanted.
Now Mr. “No Chance” will try to assemble a bookcase in a box with nothing but a hammer and 17 craftsman screwdrivers
Peace Freddogg
