Freddogg Off The Chain

I’ve wanted to bust a few onions over 35 years of teaching but I am a master of restraint and anyway when you’re Teacher Man and Funnyman in the newspaper you just don’t get to hit people otherwise know as Assault Third.

Last week after dropping off newspapers at two different schools I went to Gold’s Gym. I pulled around back of a ghetto parking lot and to the dead zone corner to allow my retrievers a few moments to defile nature’s beauty with mammalian waste products. The average price of the houses facing a lake on the other side of the fence was 3 million or more.

A double gate was wide open and the dogs crossed over into the No Landscape for Labs lush flowers and shrubbery albeit fake flora.

I patiently waited when suddenly appeared a short round and scraggly beaded bright white guy who commenced to scream at me relentlessly about his property and dogs and to keep them out like suddenly I was showing up everyday. I though of saying a lot of things but just shook my head up and down like “I am in total agreement with you.” My pressure did not rise because as a public school teacher for 35 years his assault on me was downright amateurish.

But he left then came back into my sight line and was talking about babies and chicken and I thought “dam there was a baby eating chicken roll and the dogs just snagged it so I considered offering him 20 dollars for chicken but then I heard “baby chickens” and realized this woefully unhappy person was raising chickens in the backyard of a Mc Mansion with a water view.

I have so many joint rotation infirmaries right now that if I got in a fight I’d look like a robot in a 1957 black and white science fiction movie. My corner man would have a long spigot oil can to keep me limber.

Baby freaking chickens!

Freddogg

Bailout-Schmailout! I surfed the cable channels for an hour this morning and quickly realized that the money game being played by Wall Street and bank speculators is beyond the grasp of the players and commentators and elected members of Congress.
How can so much happen when nothing happens? It’s all a cyber cerebral game played by the genus hydrocephalus, a bunch of water head losers all of whom think Manuel Labor is an illegal Mexican.
House Speaker Nancy castigated and castrated the Republican members of Congress and was bitch slapped in retaliation. Barney Ball Park Frank steps to the Mic and you wonder “where is this guy late Saturday night?”
Is my 401 safe? How about my 403b? How about my state run pension plan? Can I get a car loan” Do I want a car loan? No comprende’ on all of the above.
My investments are diversified because that’s the kind of portfolio I want I only wish I knew what I was talking about and although I could do a stand up routine of 45 minutes on any prop from a messy garage I could not speak for more than 30 seconds on how to get my retirement money and if I could do I have to give it back and don’t even start with me about Social Security because I know that the same speculators who like midget prostitutes sell short are banking on me dying on the short end of bad financial decisions.
We as a nation value education but we place power in the hands of elected C students the closest most got to 3.0 was their BAL.
I am rich at WaWa, so off I go, and if this crisis renders me personally destitute you can bet your ass between Food Lion and WaWa I will steal enough calories to power a Winnebago.
Yes that is a ring bologna in my pocket!

FReddogg

The last two weeks have not been kind to the McCain/Palen ticket and as a result new tracking polls have them rebounding and now in a virtual tie with Barack/Biden. That may seem mystifying to many pundits but I get it as the American electorate reminds me of an Under Review high school stocked with the child left behind in all of us.
It’s all about backlash and blacklash. It’s about name calling, ageism and sexism. I have been lumped into a category of “you Libs” and that got my attention because like a lot of independent thinkers I don’t identify with liberals or conservatives I’m just out here trying to figure it all out and not exploiting people for personal gain and profit.
I recently bought a queen size mattress for the guest room because my king sized brother is coming to visit. ‘You don’t understand a man who makes a frivolous expenditure for a mattress and box spring set do you,”I ask me wife and she said,” No, she didn’t, or why men buy flat screen televisions” and I reminded her it was because she grew up in the household of “Cruller Man” the most unimaginative doughnut in the case of coconut and cream filled, so who makes that decision? “Frugality is a personality disorder,” Grandmom said. “Poppy stores nuts because who feels like looking at them.” And then she stared back like “you don’t need an explanation, linkage is intelligence and you are missing linkage just like your cousins.”
Speaking of bakeries, religion and politics, in my home town of Penndel, Pa, the German Bakery on Main Street was owned by the Catholic Church and was tax exempt as was the movie theater where the usher always had a flashlight in his pocket and if you think about it how phallic is the collection basket being passed down your pew, stopping and jingling above you lap top? You drop a dollar from a distance because you instinctively know to touch the basket is creepy.
The big wagon wheel keeps on turning and I left the hub on the spoke of my choice and now I’m circling the outer rim like an old baboon looking in at the breeding population. It figures that the Baby Boomer generation-everybody out of the gene pool- would mortgage the future knowing they wouldn’t be around to pay it down.


freddogg

I admit it. I don’t understand how 700 billion dollars is just lying around and why it should be used to bail out private companies to protect our private investments. And I don’t understand why we don’t forgive our own debt as we forgive those debtors in third world countries who trespass against us then want to make nice. ”AIDS vaccine my ass! Pay your freaking bills!”
McCain is riding into Washington like Mighty Mouse “Here I come to save the day.” I have mentioned before I thought a sub prime loan referred to interest rates not sub primate trashy people who were granted huge loans for mortgages to live in houses and neighborhoods above their class level “Anybody know where the fucking cat at?”
How about letting the forces of capitalism run their course? Hedge fund traders ,bond speculators, short sellers ,let them fly out of windows, just more fun for the rest of us who have never traded anything online besides fantasy football players.
Question: Can a dumb person be an anti intellectual? It would make a good writing prompt in a state testing exam.
Speaking of the economy and macroeconomics my grandmother Rose said,”The only macro you need to worry about ends with cheese. Contract and save during wild times. Learn to siphon gas without freezing your lungs and dying. Repay loans sporadically and hide your car at night. Ignore student loans and if you do answer the phone remember it ain’t you, you are never home.

freddogg

Remember the Dylan Album “Blond on Blond” well I was thinking of a Boomer 2008 version “Bone on Bone.”
I am fit with great body chemistry like a 136 cholesterol reading but my cushions otherwise known as cartridge and sometimes meniscus are just disappearing. I re-injured my right knee in bed rolling for the remote. I had to call the First State Orthopedic office to see which leg I injured two years ago because I honestly had no idea.
Doctor tried to talk me into chicken fat injections and I told him “Shut Up” cause who knows of the side effects like Pecker Head syndrome.
I am afflicted with conflicting syndromes on the one hand I am now remembering everything and everybody from my past with instant recall the flip side is that twice in the last week while remembering things I forgot I was in traffic and nearly got sideswiped at 80 m.p.h. by a Dodge Dually Quad cab with a camper then broadsided by a teenager on a cell phone popping zits and doing 90.
Last Friday a black face from my past called me over to the fence at a football game and asked me to remember him and instructed those around him not to help and for me not to look at any of them for context clues.
“You are Rowland from 1991,”I said. You have nine brothers and sisters and some extra curriculars like that skinny boy over there you all call Mert. And do you remember your pet name for me?”
“Fredman,”Rowland said. “Everybody knows Fredman.”
“Then why I gotta be a white mother fucker,”I joked, and Rowland remembered when I pulled him out of a fight 17 years earlier and he turned to me and said,"Get your hands off me you fat white mother fucke,"and I snapped "Who you calling fat?"
Everybody along the fence was laughing because in a tight community where you share history that’s just they way we do it.
I’ll never forget breaking up a hallway fight and Juan keep trying to get through me to get to some kid. Amy the Homecoming Queen was light skinned and part Indian and yelled to Juan.
“Can’t you see Fredman is trying to help you? Why don’t you just stop?”
“Why don’t you just shut up you freckle faced Howdie Doodie looking puppet bitch, ”Juan said.
Amy jumped forward, stuck the landing and pointed to her crotch with both hands. “Why don’t you come over here and eat my pussy you frog eyed coon.”
Of course neither of these student qualified for creative language class which caters more to not funny NPR bullshit.
I am so out I don’t even know how I got in.

freddogg

Speaking of big loser boy grandfather sports reporter dude yesterday I was doing my community service work taking pictures and collecting insightful commentaries of a high school girls field hockey game when the bottom fell out of my feeling pretty good about myself afternoon.
It started with me being blown off by the winning coach who after I said,”Good job” on her team’s 3 to 0 win which moved the season record to 5&0 she made that whisk away motion with her hand followed by some sound which translated in all languages to “will you please get lost?”
And then I headed for the comfort of my bench seat Tundra truck and was accosted by a parking lot parent who began to dress me down like Sarah Palen on a dead moose. ”Oh, I see your leaving and not covering the j.v. game. They are undefeated and the best team in the school but they get no coverage and no recognition and it’s just not fair to the girls who work so hard and there are other issues as well and I find the entire thing very upsetting.”
I considering unraveling the sexual frustration argument but instead directed her attention to a pod of Yuppy parents sitting in lawn chairs and that perhaps one of them or her could use the education wasted on them to help hype the needy and neglected under appreciated and over privileged field hockey bunnies that live like princesses in their households.
And so they question is: what had changed? Is it them or is it me? Am I less tolerant? Certainly. Are there more asshole parents than ever in history? Ya think?
In a way it’s kind of cool that the coach with a traveling fan base of 35 thinks it’s not worth talking to the experienced writer with an audience of 25 thousand while the parents view me as the journalistic Chia Pet capturing stories and photos for their child's scrapbook.
One middle school parent after a soccer game the day before actually tried to water me with a bottle of Dusani.
Tonight it’s high school football and it could be managers or cheerleaders perhaps the drum major but someone is coming after my ass for not paying enough attention to them. I think I will just listen and calmly respond, ”You suck. Go buy me a hot dog”


Freddogg

Happened yesterday in Delaware. A young guy robbed a bank in a decaying shopping mall and used a Rent-A-Center truck to make his getaway. How did he get the truck? He worked there and had the keys.
Rent-A-Robber was pursued by several citizens driving leased cars. They called 911 as two state cops and a county cop joined in the chase of a box truck with a governor on the engine. Well not actually Delaware’s governor because who wants a truck that can’t go uphill?
The guy turned down a service road was boxed in and so came out brandishing a non-loaded pellet gun designed to shoot plastic pellets.
Three cops went center mass with deadly force and that was most emphatically that.
The cops were placed on paid administrative leave and immediately and ironically ended towards the beach to rent umbrellas and chairs and potato air rifles to shoot tennis balls into the surf for the retriever to fetch.
It’s a fine line between good and really bad decisions.

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) - The Tennessee Titans called police Monday night for help searching for Vince Young because his therapist told Coach Jeff Fisher the quarterback mentioned suicide several times before driving away from his home with a gun.
This A.P story may be fair game but it is socially irresponsible. Most newspapers have a policy of not reporting on suicides because of the copy cat factor.
I assume the same policy is in play for failed suicides and people who go into counseling because they are thinking about suicide.
Suicide is an overriding of the instinct for self preservation and therefore a chemical and cerebral imbalance which may be triggered by life events. Suicide if often described as the most selfish of crimes and I have actually written stories of suicides at the request of parents who wanted the story told.
The freaking NFL is a depressing place stocked with upsidedown values and overemphasis on stupid shit. Vince Young is extraordinarily successful and famous and rich but he also retains his right to be sensitive, pensive, introspective and just tired of it all.
Remember when T.O. was rescued by paramedic and his bitch scheduling woman said,” Terrell had 20 million reasons not to commit suicide.” That may have been the dumbest statement ever in the history of quoted sycophants.
The are no sacred cows outside of India but publicizing thoughts of suicide by celebrities or anybody seems seedy to me.

freddogg

Remember the war when John McCain was held prisoner for five years? What do you think would happen if the 9/11 terrorist parachuted out of their soon to collide with the Towers planes into New York City?
I know McCain was a honorable military man not a terrorist but how was his mission defined by those who lived near Hanoi?
And how did the Vietnam War, inarguably a flawed policy that cost 57,000 American lives, end? I believe it was Richard Nixon around 1970 who declared it was time to hand the war over to the Vietnamese. It took five years and 10 thousand American lives to go back door because we wanted to save face in a war we had already quit on.
This Iraq situation is eerily similar and anyone who says “let’s just get out” is a quitter and admitting that all those American lives were for nothing. And so we stay, more lives are lost but the question persists “for what exactly”?
And on the eve of September 11 attacks the talk is of whether Barack called Palen a Pig by inference.
“Mr. Frederick I heard you called me a fat pig.”
“No mam, I certainly would never do that. Who told you that?”
I heard you were talking in class and said that fat pig was a redundancy like little baby and that sometimes fat pigs ascended to positions of power and authority so if you weren’t talking about me who were you talking about?’
“Mam, I was talking about my aunt rose who was promoted from the drive in window of the sperm bank to director of erotic literature. What would ever make you think I was talking about you? When I hear fat pig I don’t assume someone is talking about me?’
“Well maybe you should?”
“Maybe I should? Now that is precious. But seriously if I ever decide to call you a fat pig you will be the first to know it. It will go something like this,”Hey has anybody seen that fat pig around here?”

“Wall mart Moms for Palin” is an expression I heard this morning. I also heard “playing down her Pentecostal past.”
Hey Sarah, in the words of Madeline Kahn while kissing Gene Wilder goodbye at the train station in the movie ‘Young Frankenstein ‘“No tongues!”

I am an adult product of a failed catholic indoctrination but I think for me and most of my heathen friends we never quite could come to grips with the Holy Ghost. He is the most mysterious of the blessed trinity and then there’s god the son who said to his father “the next time someone goes to earth why not have it be you?”

Friends should never go political on each other but some of my friends I find mystifying having gone from 1970’s hippies to new millennium republicans. “How about that Sarah Palin” one Dixie Chick Hater recently said to me and I measured a calm and balanced response before saying “Are you out of your ever loving fucking mind? Do you have any idea how scary she is? “
I listened to FOXX satellite radio yesterday as in Jamie Foxx and it gave a fresh insight into a segment of black America who resent Cross Dressing Giuliani busting on Barack in a convention speech and referencing McCain a panelist said, ”That nigger’s speech was too long.”

Is this a great country or what? Today is vote in the state primary day in Delaware. John Madden, talking about the choice between quarterbacks Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman of the Bears, said, ‘It’s a question of making a choice between the better of two evils.”

And Madden is a billionaire because of his rambling and pointless commentaries. Speaking of mysteries, “how does our culture function and why do we remain the most powerful nation on earth? Maybe it is the Holy Ghost steering the ship of fools.

freddogg

Fast backwards! Are the good times really over for good? What ever happened to large classes where the retarded kid sat in the back? And mixed classes, with the boys in the front and girls in the back? And ridicule and derision and picking on the fat kid or the poor kid or the speech impediment kid? All that crap happened every day so why don’t we lament and pine for those memory moments?
And when did cleavage show up? And Russian girls slicing Sara Lee honey ham? I want my Russian women to have mustaches; they did when I was young.
I cannot deal with another forward lamenting the good and god old days. How sad we sound when we play those tunes to the young generation. The see it for what it is, resentment that our lives didn’t work out like we planned.
Watch old sitcoms and quickly realize that they weren’t funny but slow, taking way too long in plot development.
Fat doughnut eating and salt shaking young mothers and their good timing alcoholic husbands, people who didn’t know shit about anything and didn’t care, those were my role models and relatives
The hover parents of today and their precious little asshole children shielded from an awareness of failure at every turn are annoying for any time period but so was I, drinking Near Beer at Frank's Diner by the skating rink and making fun of everyone and I was good at it and only 10.
And let’s not forgot Darwinian play ground abuse or the sheer pleasure in messing up someone’s hair and laughing in their faces. I sure do miss those days.
Perhaps I should write a book: “When we were assholes” That’s what wrong with aging Boomers. They suffer from long term memory distortion throwing out all embarrassing behaviors which is fine just shut up about the old days.
And the nuns and priests indoctrinated-or tried to- me and others that only Catholics got to heaven which was socially stratified with clergy getting the preferred streets and houses and if a protestant made it in a weak moment of mercy they lived in the scrub and had scabies and dumb looking dogs.
Yes those were the days.

Freddogg-by the way I couldn’t be happier.

The Minneapolis police outside of the republican convention Thursday night bagged a two legged Moose. I am not sorry, I found the spectacle of some young fat retro hippy hoohie-mama or as my spell checker prefers- hoagie momma-repeatedly maced in the face to be downright funny. Like my grandmother said,-“funny is funny-it ain’t your fault.”
Seriously they told the bitch her chosen career pathway to the convention hall was closed so move or face the consequences “don’t you know?”
This woman wearing a stupid back pack and thin soled cheap shoes was blasted with enough mace to drop the entire offensive line of the Vikings. She went to her knees and then “this side up”, cops did the knobby tire roll over her carcass then went in reverse and did it again. It seemed a bit sadistic but who understands Minnesota humor certainly not me.
I love watching old film of the Chicago police riot outside the Democratic Convention in 1968. I supported Eugene McCarthy so you think I would be appalled or outraged but watching a cop chase a hippy an entire block then into a discount store so he could have the closure and satisfaction of whacking his boney ass across the legs with a night stick is funny.
Demonstrations are part of dissent and are questionable as protected speech when the power structure in armed. Remember the words of the great German sociologist Max Von Weber. “The absence of power is force” in other words, the guys with the clubs usually win the rest of it is just argumentative.

Freddogg

Biden Photo Caption Contest: "Pick a hand Palin or please pick two."


I’ll weigh in on Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin if she wants to field dress a moose.
Pat Buchanan said his late father would have fallen in love with Phalin in five minutes-now that he’s dead it may take 10-but the translation is that Pat’s base and bat are energized by this under qualified woman with the Fargo accent. When I heard she was runner-up in the Miss Bridge to Nowhere Beauty Contest I began to look at the 44 year old mom more critically just to see if attractiveness was a motivator in McCain selecting her without prolonged petting-excuse me vetting.
I think it is wrong to allow some old white guy speech writer to put his words on a teleprompter then all Sarah has to do is deliver it just like a baby and how women’s rights is that? “Tell me again how it feels to be a mom and governor?”
I think in the classic sense of a strong woman in charge that Sarah has proven herself to be a scary bitch-works for her- and so if she wants to succeed on the national level she should do the same thing with a few alterations.
First she should come out of on stage representing the book banning librarian with home made beehive and dumb ass glasses look but during the speech she should let the hair down and toss her head just a bit, pitch the glasses, pop one blouse button revealing the shadow of cleavage and say, ”Sarah is in the house. Who’s your mommy?”
Biden can then just fold his tent or pitch one if he’s a real guy.

See you at the petting zoo. Freddogg