Freddogg Off The Chain

I was rolling down my driveway last Monday night as the golden hour of photo soft light was just beginning to make everyone look better. A pair of 10 year old girls’ eating apples shouted for me to stop.
‘Mr. Fredman, where are you going and when will you be back?”
“I’m going to the Lewes Yacht Club down by the bay because I am part of a joke.”
“What joke” one asked, while the other looking like Huck Finn’s sister, spun a core through her teeth, her wet face looking so Rockwellian?
“A man walks into a bar joke.”
“Oh,” they said. “Because we want to sit over here” and they pointed to a place on my front lawn where you can see through the trees to the open sky.
“Go ahead and sit there,”I said. “You can sit there anytime you want.”
“Yea, but we want you to sit here with us and watch the sun set. It is so pretty.”
“O.k., maybe I’ll get back real fast,” I said, thinking I haven’t sat in funky deep woods lawn scrub for a long time and it wouldn’t be a pretty site, especially my getting up. Ever notice in movies with Indians the revered chief is always sitting near the fire but they never show him getting up groaning as his sway back palomino hides behind a wigwam?
I drove to town knowing I was stupid and missing out on an invitation that was so honest and special and I don’t know why these neighbor kids love me I think because I don’t change who I am when I talk to them and I listen to them and they love to say "Mr Fredman."
But I’m at the bar drinking Amstel Light-how yuppy gay-surveying the room to see if there’s anyone I would like to talk to beyond 30 seconds worth when a former professor of mine-he was my masters advisor and his expertise is Latin American Studies and fishing for flounder= sits down next to me. His wife is on the bad thief left side.
We commence a conversation which someone off his shoulder interrupts and then someone to my right intercepts me to tell me how much they enjoy reading my column and I tell him my wife actually writes it and I look out on an upper deck and people with million dollar homes have come to the freaking Yacht Club to watch the sun set into the Broadkill River.
I just kept thinking that my first deal was the best and I’ll never get it back.
Finally, Professor John and I have a clear site line to resume a conversation.
“Before we resume talking I’d just like to say I’ve had an awful lot to drink since last time we spoke,”John said, and I said, ”You are the bar joke of my final destination. By the way,is that wine pink on has the sun set inside your chardonnay?”

Chief Freddogg

Male menopause and mid life crises did not exist until it was created by astute sociologists or was it created by mid life men and simply recognized by sociologists? Inquiring minds don’t give a dam!
Now there’s a new one-Manorexia- and it is as real as a short line at the deli counter. I have a basic way of handling recognizable weight fluctuations in other men which is not to comment one way or another.
I look at Al Gore and some of my Al Gorge friends and think ‘Go for it! Who cares? Way to be well adjusted! Bad food tastes the best and it doesn’t run any deeper than that.”
I have seen burly men go skeletal on the advice of cardiac and kidney doctors and suddenly they drop between 50 and 80 pounds and start to look old and craggy but it takes discipline to lose major weight and more discipline to stop losing it.
I was at a funeral in a bar-a new Lewes trend- and guys my age started to talk about diet. The guy sitting across from me was a Vietnam Vet, weighs about 100 pounds with an artificial leg, oxygen tank and deviated hose up his nostrils. And he was smoking a cigarette. And every time the free food tray came by he was on it like oil on an Italian sub.
“I’ve put on 20 pounds in the last 10 years and when I comb my hair and look in the mirror I look like Elvis Presley just before he died, ’one local colorful redneck said. “It’s the hair, ”I told him. "Too much, too wet and straight back is so Fifties!”
He then said he was a Type2 diabetic and I asked if he considered jogging or not drinking and he said,” The day that happens you’ll be sitting here at my funeral.”
“Bottom line is nobody wins.” Grandmom Rose said. We’re all born, we eat to sustain life,and we all die. What happens in the middle is just an empty hoagie.”

Bubba Freddogg

Is there such a thing as MPD otherwise known as multiple personality disorder? Well there is if you want there to be but not in the way you think like for example a personality inside your own who speaks French and visits art museums but you are not aware of this personality and it is not aware of your slovenly self just as you are not aware of the dog fighting promoter inside your own head who hoses down then electrocutes damaged and non performing pit bulls.

Did you know that most institutionalized MPD’s are women? And that the psychiatric community is ironically split on the issue of multiple personality disorder however the brain itself may just take over voluntary conscious control basically saying “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on us.”

I have a friend who is mentally ill-maybe-does it really matter if he is play acting if the play has lasted four years?

My grandmother said, “if you play at stupid hard enough then stupid you will be” and the same goes for all the disorders which by the way don’t exist until man creates them and then they quickly fill up and more are created. A principal once accused me of being a “passive-aggressive insubordinate” and all I could say was “you are fucking kidding me?”

Realty does bite, avoid unpleasantness at all cost and never embrace your own inadequacies.

Friedrich Von Freddogg

I call it the 'Towering Inferno Syndrome' and did long before 911 which is just too real but 'Towering Inferno' was a disaster movie especially if you paid to watch it.

I always told my psychology students that the things you see in movies are the acceptable deviances and aberrations of society like an 80 year old great grandmother being sucked out of a pent house apartment and pirouetting in flames to her death.

But if the same thing happened to a Cocker Spaniel people would get up and leave because we love dogs while we only tolerate each other.

And there are so many movies where helpless women get beaten up, raped and murdered so why not do the same thing to men after all Deliverance was only a movie Ned Beatty. In fact, author James Dickey used his own son as a stand-in for hillbilly heaven practice because the kid wrote about it in the New Yorker saying his dad always thought him to be a pussy so to make him a real man he was raped on film 67 times to the sound of dueling banjos.

This is how I’ve gotten to Mike Vick just indicted on felony dog fighting charges. The worse part of this story “Bas Assed Kennels” is tails of dogs, in fact, the entire dog-no longer useful- being destroyed by drowning, electrocution, hanging and gunshot and Vick-who looks like a bad ass-was personally involved.

I have seen Vick play in person four times and he sucked every time. I hope I never see him play again! As they say at the Westminster Dog Show “That Bitch Needs To Go!”

Vick has messed with the wrong people in the dog people who are most decent people and they will never let him up and never forgive him.

I wonder if he’ll do kennel time? Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Freddogg

Four forty year old pot bellied buddies emerged from the summer morning haze of the saltwater fishing pier at Cape Henlopen State Park where the Atlantic Ocean meets the Delaware Bay.

They were pushing rented hand trucks stacked with fishing poles, coolers and drywall buckets. Home made brightly colored wife beater shirts decorated with wide mouthed bass or jumping sword fish accented cutoff Dingo pants and beaten down sneaks was the accepted fashion. Uneven tan lines went from maroon to red ending up in bright white like the underbelly of a bottom feeder.

They dropped all their gear in front of a mired Yoda looking dude wearing those big assed wrap around glasses and said,”Guard this stuff with you life” and headed off to the men’s room.

The biggest dude emerged first and was whistling “Strangers in the Night” with the volume of a deep woods song bird. I thought that was a peculiar selection giving his age, dress and morning activity which was fishing with his buddies.

And the second dude came out and began to whistle the same song. Then Yoda began doing it. I knew it was a subliminal reaction to surrounding stimuli but the words to the song-“exchanging glances wondering what were the chances we’d be making love before the night was through” was so incongruous to the images I was perceiving which raises a deeper question “why was I sitting there in the first place?” and the reason was I was getting ready to go walking and was adjusted my Ipod but when four burly buddies walk into a public restroom I was always wait for them to come out before venturing in if for no other reason than the hollow drum echo in the place.

Admit it, something in my eyes is so exciting.

Freddogg

Five hundred plaintiffs will be awarded 600 million in L.A. County alone in a recent Catholic Church sexual abuse settlement.

I am a Philly Catholic product and I absorbed more abuse than any other single person I ever saw. But all mine were shots to the head and both nuns and priests tried psychological abuse but I had way too many defense mechanisms to care what they said but also I just never contemplated balling up my fist and flattening one of those frustrated celebant celebrants.

This sexual abuse phenomena was so rampant for a period of time and with all the shots I took I just never saw it or heard about it I guess because Wise guys don’t make good sex abuse victims-I know I wouldn't have- but why guys?

Modern gay men say that this scandal reflects badly on them because these priests were not gay simply perverts and no law abiding heterosexual is going to say “if you going to abuse someone at least make it the opposite sex” but that is a legitimate although sick supposition.

And I was force feed so much religious dogma and bought into it for a time “making mojo crosses on my palms during the blessing before basketball games” but really all people with religious titles are just a bit of the posers I think. No one speaks to god unless we all do.

Black Comedian Eddie Griffin joked that Rodney King was awarded 37 million dollars, a million for every blow. “I driving 300 miles per hour in a Volkswagen through a white neighborhood screaming, “Fuck yaw mother fuckers. Whip my ass and give me my cash.”

Would I cop to two years of sexual abuse at the feet of father Nelson for a million dollars in payout and the answer is no but I’ll admit to taking more shots than Marvis Frazier but the church doesn't payoff off on that stuff not even with second collection funds

A bit of Pugalistic Peace Be With You

FReddogg

The Panda is called Cro-Panda just for silliness purposes

You want to be found out stupid it really doesn’t require much investigation or interrogation just have someone ask you some basic questions about the planet on which you live.
You know the one about how much would a dug up coin dated 3000 B.C. be worth? Oh how long does it take the vertical rays of the sun to travel 15 degrees and why is it always two days at the same time on planet earth if there are only 24 time zones?
Or if man evolved from apes than how come he still doesn’t? And if you find love on a dead end street does that mean you and your lover represent a branch that terminates in a nub of non continuance.
I am a person willing to concede the possibility there is no god and also that evolution is not a proven fact but just more faith based bullshit. Yes, I am willing to believe in nothing except when I go to my driveway I expect my 4runner to be there and I expect it to start because it was made in Japan.
New Hominid jaws about 3.5 to 4.5 million years old, give or take, were found in Addis-Ababa near Lucy and the paleoanthropologists and the pale anthropologists are excited once again talking major noise that Ethiopia is the Cradle of Civilization as opposed to the desert of shallow graves, no rain and fast chickens.
“Bring me more missing links,”my grand mom Rose yelled as her grandchildren gathered around the brick barbeque pit, which has evolved into gas grill the size of 1955 Cadillac.
It is against the law to teach the theory of creation alongside the theory of evolution in public schools, if even for comparison purposes, because if allowed the bible beaters would have a bible next to every beaker, in every dub assed chemistry lab in America.
And so for two weeks I guided a discussion of this forbidden comparison in six straight classes of college prep seniors which represents several hundred years of teenage evolution.
And then by secret ballot students choose among the theory of creation, the theory of evolution and the mitigating theory of evolution which allows for a lawless hominid without reason and no guilt but as soon as said homind is called Homo to his face and walks into Eden like a Egyptian,it becomes a garden then we're all pressured to procreate or become garden variety hominid homos.
But seriously, as they say in the slaughtering of sacred cows, 180 students overwhelmingly picked Creationism as the theory they believed when by law Evolution was the only theory they were ever taught.
That results caused my to shrug my shoulders and sigh, ”We’ll I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.”

Uncle Freddogg

The panting of Darby Doodle Dog like an electric space heater at the foot of my face was enough to get me out of bed at 5 a.m.where I ventured into the early morning world of animal awakenings and big assed orange ball sun rising.
I grabbed my camera saying to myself over and over,”You are so gay!” And actually if I were “Queer Eye” gay I would get much better artsy photos but alas I am a big male never sexually harassed.
I made coffee and read on the MSNBC web site that sexual harassment of males by gaggles of women and other authority type males is nothing to snicker about and I thought “those who snicker deserve harassment” and I also say “harass my ass all you want” but like the big orange sun I will not be crushed.
I’ve been around common women making stupid assed inappropriate jokes and once I said, ”You are all dredging the muck of disgusting and not funny humor because deep down in your souls you find me attractive in my orange shirt from the Telletubby Action Wear catalogue to which one matronly joke telling white butt cracker sighed and snapped,” Oh, please, don’t make us throw up.”
I told her she should be a Pinata in a therapy session for male sexual addicts and deviants and the others said, ”was that a joke?” and I said actually, no, I have a joke but it contains a bad word and it wouldn’t be right for me to tell it and they of course said ,"go ahead we’re all married woman so it’s not like you can tell us something we haven’t heard before" so I said, ”All Right it starts out this big hairy cock sucker is walking down the street- have you heard it?"
They admitted they didn’t but said they wanted to and I informed them that they just did and they told me I was fat and stupid so I stopped because they were mothers and didn’t need to hear “I’ve got your fat and stupid right here” and how I got from a beautiful sunrise to fat and stupid I don’t know but I’m o.k with all of it.
That you god for another day.

The Freddogg Also Rises.

Hippy Jack looked like a sunflower with his blond on brown hair and muted freckles on his elongated face and every day at lunch he would bring a bag and make big announcements removing contents one at a time.
The year was 1972 I was a young hip teacher not the least quick on the trigger of criticism like I am 35 years later.
I am aware people are what they eat and some eat too much while others are obsessed with too little while still others claim to eat what they want but never gain a pound and I can tell you without exception that those people are compulsive liars who believe in their own bullshit just like Born Again New Christie Minstrels.
Jack was woowie-zowie harmless enough but did I really need to hear about sprouts and other bullshit coming out of his whole wheat sandwich?
I had the common courtesy to make fun of Jack behind his back, one of my routines was Jack having sex for the first time and saying something like “Wow those are the greatest breasts I have ever seen not to mention the only ones and do you think it would be fun to roll a naval orange between our stomachs while fondling an eggplant? Hey where are you going?”

One day some hybrid piece of fruit rolled in front of me and it was one roll too many so I picked it up and threw it against a block wall where it splattered I sat down stone soul silent and Hippy Jack just looked at me and looked at me some more then said,” Wow!”

That’s when I figured that being stoned makes healthy choices more tolerable.

Freddogg

I once idled at a traffic light in Camden New Jersey in a red 1965 Oldsmobile F85 Cutless 442-the tachometer at 300- it was about 1967 and I was on a date with my emerging wife heading home from Philly via scenic Jersey Route 130.
A large black man emerged for a corner bar and our eyes met. It was at that moment he decided to kill me-he reached for the door- I can only suppose by dragging me from the car and choking me like a chicken. I popped the clutch and was off like a dirty shirt.
Camden remains a bona-fide war zone beyond comprehension and I don’t care how many aquariums they build, in fact, inside a aquarium tank with sharks and sword fish may be the safest place, certainly safer than the streets.
Yesterday July 4 was celebrated at the Branch Village Public Housing complex by someone shooting a 12 year old boy multiple times in the chest as he sat in a parked car. Police said they are not sure if the boy was the intended target but I think the phrase “multiple times” cinches that he was the intended. That is so unbelievably gross, sad and disgusting.
In Philly five people wee murdered including a 77 year old man who I guess just had to go.
It’s nice to know that we live in a country where you can’t walk the streets at night or daytime without being armed and if you are armed better to shoot first than to be dead.
The good news is there are no tourists in these neighborhoods unless someone gets lost. I am going to wade into the North Philly fray sometime soon to catch digital scenes of the row houses of my early childhood. The good news is that my Nikon takes great photos from a moving Toyota. Jesus remember when the Japenese were the enemy?

Freddogg

Flaming Muslim Doctors in a Jeep Grand Cherokee with the police “hot on their turbans” smash into a Glasgow airport building and a guy on Fire rolls out and attacks a Scottish policeman screaming "Allah" with every thrown punch and the policman speaks Scottish- did I mention that- because if your not Scottish but can talk like one at a Happy Hour- you will get free drinks the entire time because there is just something funny about it.

What happened to the Hippocratic Oath? Did you ever feel a lack of empathy when being treated by a doctor with Mid Eastern accent? Don’t lie because most Americans prefer Jewish Doctors and why is that I don’t know?

Back in 1976 my wife was substitute teaching and felt she was going to pass out. We ended up at a walk-in clinic with some very classy Middle Eastern doctors. One redneck with a swollen testicle problem asked the doctor upon leaving, ”Can I drive now?”

"Oh yes", the doctor said. "You can drive car, truck, boat or camel. Yes, you can drive?” The man missed the Lebanese man doing American humor.“Camel? I ain’t going to drive no god dam Camel.”

Then I went In with my wife to the examining room as vital signs were taken along with a brief interview. A list of probable pass out causes was elucidated.

“You may have had too much coffee, perhaps you need to eat a bigger breakfast, perhaps stress of teaching, lack of sleep, or you may have brain tumor?”

“Did you just say brain tumor,"I asked? Was that a joke like “you can drive camel” because if so- you are good-too much coffee or brain tumor= who the hell knows, right?”

The cause of the dizziness turned out to be twins and later when they were born I asked the Korean doctor “Are they identical?” and he said “I don’t know, they kind of look alike” and he laughed like a North Korean on the bridge of the U.S.S.Pueblo and I thought you had to be born here to joke here.

Remember stay on your toes because we’re at Code Orange or press 2 for Naranja.

Freddogg