Freddogg Off The Chain

I was an assistant track coach at the Mitchell School in Haverford Pennsylvania in April of 1975 watching the Penn Relays on a Saturday morning. The track was systematically stocked and stacked with three hours of high school boy’s mile relay races. Legendary announcer Jack O’Reilly called races like he was at Pamlico.
“We have a race ladies and gentlemen heading into the anchor it is Brooklyn Tech, Calibar, Paramus,Cape Henlopen..a pause and O’Reilly said, ”Cape Henlopen, I love saying that name.”
My wife turned to me and asked, ”didn’t you apply there? Cape Henlopen? I’m sure I remember addressing an envelope to Cape Henlopen? By the way, where is Cape Henlopen?”
The next year I was back at the Penn Relays as the Head Track Coach at Cape Henlopen, in Lewes, Delaware, you know, the Ferry? We would go on to win a Division Two Delaware State Championship in the Spring of 1976 and in 1978 I was back at Penn with my best team, a team of gifted runners and jumpers.
A Friday morning and somehow after picking students up at 4:30 a.m.-Linwood had an actual “Moo Cow” tied to the front porch of his country trailer-we were fighting a traffic jam of bodies inside Franklin Field ,trying to get to the Paddock area to clerk in for the running of the 4 by 100 meter relay.
Down the steps we went, the athletes in Frank Purdue cotton gold action wear sweat suits. “Give your sweets to Shelrita and wait for them to call you into the paddock,”I said.
Tracy undid his draw string looked down inside his pants and said with the utmost surprise and disappointment,” Dam”!
‘Sounds like a personal problem,” I joked. “I forget my pants coach! Oh man, I swear I put them on before I left the house.”
I looked at Shelrita who was Tracy’s girl friend. She was wearing one of those girl’s uniforms of the late seventies with bloomer type pants that made everyone look like an adult dressed as a diapered New Year’s Eve baby. But the pants were the right color gold.
“Shelrita take Mr. Slacks and Jacks into that tunnel and when you come out I want him wearing your pants and you his sweats. They each looked astonished and before they could argue anything I barked, ”Do I look like I’m kidding? Do you see a kidding person standing here? And Linwood, what is with the cow? “
Into the tunnel they went and when Tracy, a beautifully fit dark skinned runner, came out of the tunnel it was just the dumbest and funniest thing anyone had ever seen. I saw Jamaican guys pointing and laughing. I felt like the guy about to burst out laughing at a funeral.
We hit the track with a medium fast team that could possible break 44 seconds but couldn’t push the real fast guys. Tracy was on the third leg dead in the heart of Bear Alley a dark part of the stadium usually buried under a cloud of Marijuana smoke which shrouded adult aficionados who looked for the unusual like the 45 second white guy or the guy tying up because he took it out too fast or the sprinter in a girls uniform. It was the first Friday morning spontaneous crowd giggle in Relays history
Tracy got the stick and he looked great and we were running well. But it was hilarious and he was practically signing autographs when the race was over. I saw Shelrita coming out of Foodline last week. She is 46 years old. We hugged and both laughed like we always do when we see each other. Those who internalized the image still wake up in the middle of the night laughing 28 years later. Or maybe that’s just me?

Malaise and Mayonnaise are two words you don’t want to hear in the same sentence during a brief meeting with your family doctor and friend which turns into a full blown roll onto your left side physical just because you look-what’s the word I’m looking for, oh yea, Fat!

But at least I got to take my shirt off for the 20 year old graduate of a technical high school who squirted me with alcohol and put rubber suction cups all over me. And earlier the bitch-I mean young woman-told me that my diastolic number was high and I told her I never had a problem with blood pressure and she could just get out of my face before I blew my top. .

Later I was anomaly guy with sudden blood pressure problems and a larger on the left side heart sometimes called Athlete’s Heart because in spite of my appearances I have always been an endurances athlete who performs best under a dress I mean stress.

I told the doctor that I had feet of fire and he said that could be a million reasons for that then asked how long I was feeling this current state of malaise and I answered I know your not talking to me about mayonnaise and he said no the human emotion malaise which I googled then went Wikipedia and soon read “Creeping Crud” and I just thought mother humping creeping crud-you know that feeling like after eating a chocolate cake and then Lebanon bologna toasted sandwich with extra malaise.

So this morning it’s tests at the hospital time and by noon my doctor calls me at home and I’m sure the reason is to admit me for any one of a number of catastrophic conditions.
“I shouldn’t call to reinforce bad behavior, ”he said but your blood chemistry is the best I’ve seen come through here in a long time for any person of any age.
Your cholesterol is 150 so why all the salami and provolone jokes and I told him that no joke I just recently ate a Sam’s Club party pack of the stuff and I’ll eat cheese omelets and whatever I feel like eating.
And my PSA was 1 where normal is 4 and above normal is bad.
So if I can just shake this Creeping Crud feeling of malaise I should be aces. Oh yea I dieted one half day and lost six pounds mostly because of a calories that are still packed under names like Twix, Mars and Stouffers.

Peace and Pizza

Home Slice Freddogg

My life in 10 minutes! Works for me! I have been skipping Dr. Appointments for the last four years and the cool thing is a physical is recommended once a year for old guys like me but if you skip out by reschedule that’s considered polite so they book you nine months down the road and it’s not like they don’t care if you ever show up but they don’t care if you ever show up.
So I called my doctor who is a friend of mine 20 years or more figuring I should get blood work and PSA and testosterone tests plus ask him if he will fill a Super G plastic bag with free samples of any drug he thinks may make me feel better or function better. My appointment for tomorrow is for 10 minutes just enough time for the tall and tan afro nurse whom I have also known forever to say something like “I remember when you were built like a condor” now get your fat ass on the scale and who doesn’t enjoy a joke at his own expense because I know it ain’t me.
My medical complaints usually center around “I just don’t feel right” and that is answered by “what about you doesn’t feel right” and I respond “my feet” then it’s “well what about your feet?” and it’s like” look Doc, I only have 10 minutes to explain that my feet seem not to burn and not pins and needles and I can still do calf raises with 300 pounds but there’s something wrong because I’m always aware of them and who walks around aware of feet?”
I started taking a supplement recommended by a friend eight years ago-I just opened the jar a month ago- called Chromium Picolinate which has something to do with insulin and weight loss and muscle growth then went online and read of side effects and discovered that if a hamster took the same milligram dosage that I ingest every morning or if I increased my pill to the size of 250 pound hamster we would both frantically run the exercise wheel like beasts of the jungle while looking from side to side in paranoid agitation only stopping to suck water directly from a gravity feed spigot.
Tomorrow for 10 minutes I enter the medical establishment unless I call in sick. Any suggestions for free samples or unnecessary tests I should request?
This may not be funbut it's sure to be funny.

Peace

Paging Dr. Freddogg

No Drinking! No Drugs! No Lesbians! Does this sound like a George Thoroughgood blues song to you? They were the team rules for Penn State women’s basketball until yesterday.

Penn State basketball coach Rene Portland resigned after 27 years at the helm amidst accusation that she harasses Lesbians which leads me to conclude she is a latent lipstick lesbian with gender identification issues. If her husband looks like a girlie man that would cinch it.

Superbowl Coach Tony Dungy recently “came out” against gay marriage but he should not be making those statements because if you put every NFL head coach in a barrel and said “pull on the gay one” Tony would win every time because he is soft spoken and gentle and sensitive and who knows maybe at times even silly and his quarterback is Payton and did you ever see that commercial where Payton and Eli are playing grab ass at ESPN studios?

Imagine the same commercial with Warren Moon-there’s a pun- and Doug Williams. It just wouldn’t happen.

I wrote in a sports column that Candace Parker of Tennessee the 6’4” best collegiate player on the planet was among other things beautiful which is why the camera always follows her. I didn’t notice until it hit the page that beautiful was taken out because it is politically incorrect to reference any physical attractiveness when describing a woman who is playing a sport. In other words Mia Hamm is a dog but there is the whole Brandy Chastain sports bra phenomena not to mention Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharapova sometimes describes as Tennis Hotties so what is the opposite Bowling Bimbos?

Are collegiate women’s sports skewed to favor lesbians? Gee, I don’t know perhaps they could ask Pokey Chapman who resigned from the LSU job after it was alleged, suggested or whispered aloud that Pokey was a Predator Lesbian who had sexual relationships with former players but never the ball boy.

Ellen Seidler writing on the website www.365gay.com which is bookmarked at my grandmother’s house said,” Beneath the general uneasiness about lesbians in women's sports is the unreasonable yet pervasive fear among some parents that their daughter will be influenced to become gay if her teammates and coaches are openly gay. Since recruiting top talent is such a fundamental factor in building a winning team, this issue will continue to be a sensitive one. Chatman's actions, if proven to be true, certainly don't help dispel the lesbian-as-predator stereotype.

I was standing next to a naked gay man in a fitness club locker room just the other day. He was wearing only flip flops because of nasty bacteria on the floor. What would be the chance of me nonchalantly hanging in front of my locker in the same outfit? No chance! “What’s up? I said quickly amended to “how’s it going? Nice flip flops. Are they purple?

Peace and I don’t care. I just don’t!

The spring of 1988 three busloads of seniors rolled out of off road Lewes Delaware and Cape Henlopen High School and headed for the Philadelphia Zoo. I had gotten the trip approved because of my lively written request which was a treatise arguing graduating seniors soon to be of voting age should travel to the intersection where Physical Anthropology intersects Social Ecology because Darwinism was working as the species Homo sapiens was systematically destroying the planet.

We got to the zoo which was teaming on this weekday with fourth grade classes from urban Philly schools proctored by teachers with vocabularies that should have gotten them caged. We all looked too big and old to be there especially 275 pound Andy who rode the monorail for three straight hours while making fish faces.

Students were instantly guilty of Anthromorphizing –ascribing human characteristic to animals-but 20 years later the dumb assed Animal Planet would anthropomorphize it’s ass off to attract viewers who actually believe animals have loyalties and courtship rituals and will share a felled carcass for the good of the Pride and other human type bullshit.

Three black kids who were also on my track team were having the most fun as they related to every captive animal. They just stared at little crocodiles who themselves were staring at frozen white mice. “Why do they just lay there and stare coach? Ain’t they supposed to grub?”

“Reptiles sometimes act like that plus they don’t have to eat that often, ”I said staying away from the warm blooded/cold blooded bullshit that I couldn’t fake my way through.

“I couldn’t be no crocodile coach, ”said Jim Jim. “Me neither, ”said Bugs. “I couldn’t just lie in that water staring at food for hours. I’d be on that bullshit quick!”

“It seems to me you guys have all you can handle being human without relating to crocodiles,” I joked.

“Oh yea like Fredman could be a patient crocodile as big as his ass is. You know you ain’t waiting for no hours to eat fredman. What’s that in your hand?’ “It’s a hotdog.” ‘That’s what I’m talking about Fredman. Where did you get it?”

The funniest was the natural outdoor exhibit where 3 foot Gibbons with four foot arms were brachiating through the trees while others just hanged around in small groups talking a bunch of high pitched Gibbon shit. One of the Gibbons was albino.

“Check out the white one Fredman. What is that?”

‘That’s Larry Bird, ”I said and no sooner did I say that then Bird took off on a fast branchiate going from tree top to tree top like a flying Walenda or as my spell checker prefers Agenda.


There ensued non stop six hours of Larry Bird watching not the same kids but always a crowd. As soon as a group would get bored watching an elephant or at the gay petting zoo stroking a goat they would come back to watch Larry and talk about him and remark how bad he was although they also liked Chocolate Thunder but finally I decided they could name their own animals.

Teachers throughout the school district were abuzz about Fredman’s Zoo trip with seniors as if it were a junket and worthless endeavor but the last time I checked fourth graders couldn’t vote and most never heard of Larry Bird.

Peace

Save The Planet

Professor Freddogg

Fiction is stranger than fact when treated as fact. Back in the early 1980’s I created a fictional character called “Fat Like Me” who wrote an advice column inside my column in the Whale Newspaper. No one wrote in asking for advice so I wrote to myself using a fictional name then answered as Fat Like Me a fictional character.

One letter had to do with the brand of high stakes state tests at the time and was written by a student annoyed that his teacher was slurping and gulping coffee in between multiple hits of greasy cheese toast. The kid said he finished the tests early but had to keep restarting his ceiling tile count because of the annoying noises made by the disgusting professional proctor. He signed it Samuel Sanka.

Fat Like Me wrote back and blasted the kid as a complainer and whiner and said he shouldn’t expect quiet as if he were doing something important like playing tennis or teeing off on the eighteenth fairway.

The next week I got a memo from the teachers union saying how upset they were because teachers were no longer allowed to drink coffee and eat cheese toast in their classrooms. I told them it wasn’t my fault that the school district was making policies based on the exploits of a fictional character.

I continued to drink coffee and received an official reprimand by certified mail for drinking coffee in my room when ordered not to do so my memo. It was suggested that I was a Passive Aggressive Insubordinate and I retaliated that I was a real person and they were looking for a fictional character and that perhaps the reprimand for drinking coffee was fictional registered mail or not.

This became a union grievance in the person of Fat Like Me which was resolved when I claimed fictional harassment of a real person.

It’s all in my file which I should subpoena so I can build a party around it.

Peace

Fat Like Freddogg

You just can’t believe how base and low down and violent and disgusting America’s urban school system has become and it’s a crying shame and sham and No Child Left behind is a freaking joke.

And the dumbest questions are not the one’s not asked but rather one’s answered with “you just don’t understand” because like the lawyer played by Danzell Washington in Philadelphia “Talk To Me Like I’m A Three Year Old And Make Me Understand.”

In Philly students at West Philly High are assaulting teachers as in punching people in the face and breaking necks. In New York City students are being sexually assaulted on public school buses most of which have a bus monitor aboard. The savage become more savage separate but not equal is entrenched in urban America and it is worse that 1954 by a long shot.

Teachers hardly ever admit to taking a loss. I taught a last period non college prep class that was block scheduled and lasted 90 minutes. Most days in there I took the Big L because I attempted to engage these kids but they would have none of it they simply weren’t interested in anything no matter how presented and there are kids like that all the way down to middle school and they need to be left behind so others have a chance.

What does this have to do with Iraq? Fuck Baghdad cure Baltimore. If you want to cure an endemic social pathology you have to step on some people who step on others. And I’m a civil libertarian type guy, which doesn’t mean pussy it means a rugged individualist who won’t stand for institutionalized dictatorial bullshit in the name of law and order.

A Brooklyn city championship basketball game was played at Madison Square garden last night and it erupted into a two hour riot which made its way to the streets. How about the contrast of teenagers who couldn’t afford a doorknob in Manhattan freaking for two hours?

Do you know what the cops did? Pushed them towards the subways so they would go back to Brooklyn! What if you were on that train when that crew boarded?

I interviewed the star player from Lincoln High of Brooklyn at a Christmas tournament this year. A nice and quiet spoken young man, who gets to play in the middle of all that bullshit.

So tell me again why aren’t we sending troops into our own cities? I know I just don’t understand. George Clooney and Mia Farrow to Darfur is nice and maybe necessary but why not visit the bad neighborhoods of Brooklyn, Baltimore, Philly and East Los Angeles?

Scooter Libby stories and concern about American Idol this is what we care about?

Freddogg

Summer Rent A Cops at the beach have never gotten respect going back to exactly forever and seem to attract individuals whose personalities lie somewhere between paranoid and petrified.
I live at the beach and I have known young men and women who opted for a Rent A Cop Summer one young man telling me his ultimate goal was to be in the FBI and he thought it would look good on his resume. I tried to tell him that quite the contrary he was sending up a flag that he was insecure and potentially unstable which is why Rent A Cops are never armed.
New York City has a corollary to the beach rent A Cop and it’s called the urban Auxiliary Cop and there are thousands of them walking the sidewalks of that sick city because they are committed to helping their fellow man or they should just be committed or they are laying the groundwork to someday wearing a Gold Shield like some Law and Order Detective.
A so it was a sad story this week when two of them chased a heavily armed former Marine down a city street because the guy had just wasted a pizza store clerk with 15 rounds to the back motivation unknown but deduction clear the bitch was crazy and running away which means call 911 but don’t chase just in case he may get tired and turn around and shoot your unarmed ass which is what happened and it was captured on video and now on cheesy security camera internet and poor families are devastated all over the place.
Two days ago a young black man asked an aged Russian man whom he encountered at the Exit 6 rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike if he wanted to buy some religious CD’s. Russian guys don’t need CD’s to affirm what they already don’t believe so he said no and turned around and got whacked in the head with a rock and died.
An innocuous bystander followed the guy by car and called 911 and 90 miles later they pulled him over. The guy was delusional which goes without saying he was selling religious CD’s to old Russian guys at Jersey turnpike rest stops.
Back in my Temple University days I always carried an extra dollar just in case a street schizoid wanted to sell me something because I’d give up a dollar rather than be assaulted by a large paranoid person. There was this large Black cat who called himself The Gypsy that guarded the entrance to the Spring Garden Street Subway entrance. The Gypsy sold knee high black dress socks for a dollar a pair and I owned one pair for everytime I went downtown becuase although we were friendly I knew he wouldn't hesistate to kill my ass over the dollar he didn't get. And anyway the socks were stolen and worth much more in the market place of sanity and I ain't craqzy.
I just needed to write this because I feel so bad that three people died for no reason like if maybe their behavior changed slightly they would still be alive but some scenarios you just cannot predict.
Life is the ultimate I.Q. test in real time action and sometimes failing is simply getting one wrong.

Professor Freddogg

“People dress up on Halloween as what they secretly wish to be” my wife told me years ago which is why I never dressed as a female or cheerleader but plenty of my friends have and a few were way too good at it. A man dressed as a woman for fun should still move like a man but some guys get all pouting and prissy and gay so even women look at them and say ‘yuk” except many modern women like men like that finding real guys gross disgusting and slobby so what’s their point?

I don’t like Halloween but I’ll go up on stage without trepidation but only as my smartass self. What I’m getting at is my whole life is based on playing a version of myself that I’m at peace with and that’s why I never look in mirrors and seldom consent to photos because mirrors and cameras don’t lie and I need lying in the form of a little self deception and I find nothing wrong with that.

I dressed as Yasser Arafat for a party a long time ago and I was cool being an Al Fatah menace and Arafat looked like Ringo Star only much uglier so in a way I was a handsome idealized “Yasser that’s my ugly baby.”

Most film actors can’t act and most theater actors to me are just high school kids with louder voices. I could play a Mello Dramatic role like a bad guy in a spaghetti western which brings me to Clint Eastwood. Clint is popular not because he has any range of acting but because we like Clint and many of us guys can relate to the outlaw Josey Wales in fact many of my female relatives are whales but that’s a water tank in another dimension.
Author James Dickey used his own son as a "kneel in" for Ned Beatty in the rape scene in Diliverence becuase he thought his kid needed to toughen up a bit. We all know Ned for playing that part-he showed such courage to his craft squeling like a pig and shit- but who played the Hillbilly becuase that dude is still out there for real attending Hollowean parties.

If I absolutely had to go on stage as a stand up cross dresser the only way I could do it would be to wear a backwards plastic batting helmet with a fat mitt on my left hand. “Hey batter batter! Swing batter!”

Freddogg

Note I actually had author and poet James Dickey as a teacher during my third sophomore year at a community college. He was a Korean pilot and Clemson football lineman and when he read poetry out loud I listened and I learned that some strong men have soft souls so why are there so many prissy poets?

“I love everybody especially you.” Lyle Lovett

I have spoken in front of more audiences than the average “can’t bear to listen to anymore witless bullshit” person. I like the old vaudeville line “if I had a better audience I’d have a better act.” And my own line whether in front of a banquet or classroom where the audience was slipping away was “hey don’t get uppity on me I’ve been ignored by better people than you.”

I hate bathroom and body part humor and that’s what many comedians resort to because it is the lowest common ass denominator and I hate it not because I’m proper but rather it is almost never funny.

Bad language can be funny like an old lady tumbling down an escalator in a wheel chair-the lady tumbled down versus that mother fucker tumbled down-but vivid descriptions of sex acts in a comedy routine is no more funny than sex in public which is gross.

I thought of this because of low down and loud but not clever comedians who talk about their humanitarian endeavors when interviewed on the E Channel or The Actors Studio. And I’ll tell you the truth Chris Rock hasn’t been funny for two years and his movies are worse.

And why can every ethnic comedian make fun of the dorky white guy and all the white patrons laugh but if white guy comic tried that same shit with a minority audience he must quickly turn the joke on himself to show inadequacy, ineptness and insincerity.

Sometimes in the past when white student would freak in my classroom about some social injustice that permeated his world and storm down to the office I would crack ”You see that’s why I can’t stand white people” and everyone would laugh but the black students would laugh the hardest.

I started this rant when I became annoyed after watching some gross ass no talent comedian who closed by telling the audience “thank you, I love you guys, you guys are great, I love you guys.”

‘But you were just a face in the crowd” Tom Petty

Love Freddogg

I drove through the Lincoln Tunnel and all the way across midtown Manhattan last Thursday and all I thought about as I cruised in my white Toyota 4Runner with 165 thousand miles was how easy it would be to blow myself up.

I think every American visitor coming into Do Wah Diddy New York City must think the same thing because of what happened there and because of all the tunnels and bridges and the overriding language spoken with is anything but English.

We talk of white and black issues in American but there are no regular white or black English speaking people in midtown and I’m not xenophobic in the least but dag!

I never use the word Terrorists by the way I prefer the non hyphenated Chickenshits. Terrorist makes them sound menacing but they are simply Chickenshits in search of unsuspecting soft targets.

That’s why I think Iraq is not a place for Chickenshits because those people run from Armies not towards them. And I don’t want people to start blowing up inside New York Tunnels and on bridges or just waiting for lights to change but why don’t they?

I know security is all around but it’s not visible and is it possible that all the Chickenshits are really stupid and going to Iraq to blow up because if that’s true and the CIA knows about it then by all means let’s stay there. If a troop escalation brings in more Chickenshits to blow themselves up then maybe it’s worth the risk but isn’t there some way we can go to the air and watch and occasionally help?

Just on the blog side of the street I’ve been betting since we first went into Afghanistan- I’m careful not to say invasion or incursion- that we waxed Osama and simply plowed his boney ass under so as not to create a martyr. Because this ain’t no Raiders of the Lost Ark movie and if that boney bitch was out there with a 10 million dollar price tag on his long head he would have been straffed a long time ago.

These are my thoughts from the think tank which is what exactly, a turret tank or fish tank?

Holler Back
Professor Freddogg

Yesterday I had a double vision as Jesus rolled towards me and later rolled away. But first a joke.

A man stranded and dying of dehydration in the Sinai Desert sees a mirage which focuses into a vision and lands in front of his sprawled body as an apparent temporal reality.
It is a bearded man dressed in a white robe pulling a donkey-pronounced Dunkey in Philly-aboard this donkey is a woman wearing a blue veil and holding a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes which were on sale at the nearby GAP outlet.

The dying man is handed water as Mr Natural says’ “Take this from me. And my name be Joseph.”

“And your wife’s name. What would that be?”

“Well her name be Mary.”

“Your little baby’s name wouldn’t happen to be Jesus would it?”

Joseph says, ”Who do you think we are Puerto Ricans?”

Yesterday Jesus was heading straight for me at 40 miles and hour. I saw red! Red blocked letters painter JESUS on a blue door driven by an outpatient schizophrenic I know driving on the wrong side of the road which figures because of the whole split duality thing.. This guy is stuck on Jesus because of the whole Blessed Trinity mystery and when he doesn’t shave for weeks he transitions into God The Father and sometimes I see him drinking WAWA 24 ounce coffee and if I were God The Father that’s exactly what I would be doing.

Later that morning I was heading north towards Manhattan to welcome a new granddaughter on to the planet just born at NYU hospital. I was behind a red car driven by an elderly couple with a sticker,”Jesus Loves Us”. The car was a Ford Focus and I thought “He loves me better. I have a Toyota 4runner.”

Coming back the same night I looked at a new church designed by a architect stoned on shroomes and Bali Hi wine. This roof had more pitches than a Jerry Falwell fundraiser. Big block letters read, ”Lewes Church of Christ!” In The House!

Like my grandmother Rose once told me, ”Never feign reverence unless you are willing to advertise.”

Go in Peace

Father Freddogg

FRedBaby on Blog is 9 hours old I have suggested Shawanda for a name or maybe Brooklynn.So far no name

“I’m on the pavement thinking bout the government” Dylan

A shell shocked soldier was denied disability benefits by the Army who claimed he had a preexisting condition precipitated by him having a head on collision with a 10 wheeled truck prior to induction plus there was documented proof that he took special classes in high school so therefore “brain damage” is not new which begs the question of how be passed the induction physical and why was he sent into a hostile place where people and cars and trash cans blow up randomly and without warning?

When I first began teaching 1975” Special Education”-teaching people to be stupid-in Delaware, I was the “only person” in a school of 800. Now in 2007 there are like 18 teachers who call themselves “Spec Ed” and I can’t tell you how much I hate that term but I just did and if the population is still 800 then what is happening and whatever it is it can’t be good?

I go back to before ‘Special” meant stupid but even in 1976 my classroom has a name tag drilled into the door ‘Special Education” and the first day of school 14 ‘Sped” kids stayed out in the hallway because they didn’t want to be seen walking into the "stupid" room.

I didn’t mind being in the room because I was the group leader not in the group and I never empathized but when I realized the cordless drill was changed to reverse and I screwed the name plate on the Principal's door and my students instantly loved me and there ensued an investigation which began and ended with me and I asked the Principal how he liked it and he said he didn’t and I knew it was mainly because the label was balls on accurate.

That is why most Special Education students in high schools are black because white parents know that once identified the system will never give credit for remediation and it’s ironic that Caucasians do not trust a system they pretty much created.

So what about Hilary’s southern accent in a black church in Selma? Doesn’t she realize that black people in Alabama don’t talk like the white people? I’m sure most of them thought,” Why is this rich bitch going cracker? I’m voting for Borat!”

Freddogg

“Earth to tall bitch! Earth to tall bitch!” David Spade in the movie PCU

Ann Coulter is my current hero for calling pretty boy with the fat wife John Edwards a “faggot.” I yelled out loud when I read that because it is so out of bounds and so incorrect and so outrageously funny and in my world has nothing to do with gay rights so all those offended people need to just shut up.

Free speech it’s called and Coulter can be fired if employed by mainstream media and she has been fired many times but the bitch is delightfully wild and tall and good looking and right wing all of which has proven a lucrative combination for the tall bitch.

Here’s what Coulter said,” I can't really talk about" Democratic presidential candidate and former Sen. John Edwards (NC) because "you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot.'

What if at a news conference President Bush pointed and said, ”Yes the little faggot from Politico.Com. Yes your punk ass. What kinda garbage question do you have for me today?”

Now that would be offensive because we expect our elected leaders to use slurs on the sly and not to call people faggots but could they if they wanted to? Is it an impeachable offense?

And the word itself has evolved and straight people use it all of the time when busting on each other. "Mom my little faggot brother took the last dougnut!" "Oh stop whining you litle bitch!"

The other night after a wild basketball game I saw an uncle hug a player who was his nephew and say, ”C’mere my nigger! That’s what I’m talking about!”

He didn’t say,”Come here once Nword.” He said the word and I don’t get to say it because from me it would be offensive even if I meant it humorously because if it missed and the player became offended all his black relatives would beat my cracker ass down.

How about an uncle says “C’mere my little faggot” and the boy is an out gay but after all it’s only family so where’s the harm?’

Coulter was dropped by USATODAY when she referred to the Democratic Convention of 2004 as the Spawn of Satan Convention and was also dropped by National Review when she said too bad Tim McViegh didn’t bomb the New York Times building.

Coulter will survive a while longer but she may be destined to meet up with Michael Richards in a rehab place for faggots that used to be funny.

Freddoggy

It happens when early weaning leads to over nutrition which begins out of control childhood obesity” so say’s BBC radio at 5 a.m. on Saturday morning.
‘The right age for weaning-could they have said 17 months-was occurring as early as 12 weeks.
“I grew up a neurotic child because I was breast feed of falsies,” Woody Allen said who later in his adult life began breast feeding off an adopted daughter.
There are La Leche groups of women who meet regularly to discuss exactly what I’m sure I don’t want to know. I saw an Ad in the paper for La Leche peer counselors and thought of going to the joke side of this issue but my advisor grandmother always said, “Never take the easy one and definitely not the easy two.”
I do know we suck when we’re born and will root around when placed near the nipple and the talk is of maternal instinct but I think it’s pretty much a learned thing to have a creature sucking for sustenance off a part of your body. I know if the dog or cat starts licking the sweaty body salt off my calf I will like it at first until I realize that I am liking the licking and then I kick and yell and if dogs could talk he would say, ”Yea right! Like I’m the pervert here?”
My mothers generation didn’t talk of breasts in support groups or daytime television programs and they didn’t “whip breasts out” at the Formica kitchen table. But a baby who bit a nipple would be smacked in the head and playfully tossed into the corner piece of the wrap around couch. The women then were literate as well and wouldn’t say things like, ”Don’t you be biting on my nipple” but would rather begin early “can David catch the binky in mid-air with his mouth” training?
All this is tied to who we become as sexual creatures later in life which means by age three in most cases which can lead to repressed memories and inhibitions later in life. As an adult I asked my mother ‘Is there a chance that when Aunt Rose put the above ground pool in the yard behind the split level that a Macy’s Parade float came out of the upstairs bathroom ?”
Later I’ll address the beauty of watching a child born which also requires classes and support groups and learning to breathe and are we all becoming more stupid or am I missing something here?

Feels like I fixin to fixate.

Dr. Freddogg

Post script: I once saw this white trash baby sitting in a car seat outside a Post Office as his Western Jeans wearing black roots and blond headed mother went in to pick up her jeopardizing the welfare of a minor check. The kid was sucking on a binky substitute and let me just say it was where the rubber met the road. It was gross and should have been funny but just too real and I waited for Mom to come out and I told her there were La Leche groups at the hospital and she shook her swollen breasts at me and said, ”La Leche these!” And I said, ”Not on my worse day but you better get that out of La Latex baby’s mouth before he chokes on it and I know “choke on these!” White trash baby became white trash toddler and when he was not yet three I saw him wearing a 10 pound pamper crossing a street all by himself. I ran and picked him up holding him at arms length and placed him inside the yard from where he had escaped. “Go inside and get mommy,” I said. “He looked up and said,”Fuck you!”

I was a senior in high school sitting in Religion class. I was a non reflective idiot only in search of jokes and juxtapositions. I studied people and always marveled about the stupid things they cared about.
But this day the teacher/priest decided to engage me in a philosophical joust not only to test my Catholic faith but to make sure I could defend it when it came under attack from outsiders.
“David Frederick where did the first cow come from”?
“My Aunt Rose’s kitchen,”I said, and everyone laughed.
And then he drew the outline of a cow on the board and I thought “So it has come to cow silhouettes has it?”
“If this represents the first cow then where did it come from? Because some single Cow had to be the first one?”
“O.K. I’ll play Father. Maybe god said “Let there be a cow because it appears we need one, so hocus-pocus, he drops a cow in Levittown. But that would mean he had a cow concept where none existed anywhere in the universe before and his adoring cerebrums and seraphims would respond like “Nice. Awesome! Cow! Yeah, we get it!”
“And what would be the other explanation, ”Father asked.
“Hallucinogenic drugs, ”I guess father. “I know you’re going for the evolution theory like the first Guernsey Cow came from a Sea Cow and you should see my Aunt Rose in the above ground pool giving rides for as quarter?”
“Speaking of ponies I’m going to let you run your shtick, ”father said resisting the temptation of Christ whispering in his ear, ”Smack that boy! Let him create a cow from nothing!”
This was of course leading to the appearance of the first man who may have been spontaneous combusted out of nothing or more likely related to that cow much as I am related to my Aunt Rose.
“You can believe man evolved from lower life forms,” the priest said.
“Thanks father I can’t tell you what a relief that is to me.”
“It’s called the mitigating theory of evolution. When the first man appeared god infused him with a soul and so here we are”?
“Makes sense to me father or at least as much sense as anything else.”
And today I still look at a cow and I wonder,”Am I high or is that thing really there.”

Father Freddogg

The above undercover informant would raise a flag up my paranoia pole.



I’m trying hard not to be insensitive and trying not to say it doesn’t get any better. But a meth-amphetamine drug dealing 50 year old middle school principal (Bethlehem ,Pa) just makes me want to giggle and that’s wrong I know it and it could happen to anyone but not really at least I don’t think it does.

And all those deadly boring certification classes out the window. And breaking the news to 950 students like they’re supposed to be traumatized but quite the contrary it’s like winning the state championship of weirdness and middle school kids will love it especially the ones who have the family dinner conversations with concerned parents who cannot answer the question ”Mom, Is Crystal Meth the same as meth amphetamines. Mr Accerra was always “amped” but he was nice.

The cops got a tip “The principal has bad teeth, is hooked and sells crank” And so the old informant wearing a wire with marked money and they made several buys until finally one was made in the guys freaking little middle school principal’s office and the informant left and in roared the cops and caught the guy with marked bills about to do crank at his desk.

Can you come back from such a public embarrassment? I have a friend who was a principal and got busted buying crack. He was fired didn’t go to jail and came back because quite frankly the hit on his reputation didn’t seem to bother him in the least.

I never dreamed of growing older and not being one of the crazy people and maybe my day is coming but if I get snagged walking out of Wawa with unpaid for five dollar sun glasses on my head I can always argue I forgot they were there and if I really wated to steal them I'd have ripped off the tag.

People’s propensity to self destruct like a Peter Graves brief case never ceases to amaze me.

Freddogg

The above undercover informant would raise a flag up my paranoia pole.



I’m trying hard not to be insensitive and trying not to say it doesn’t get any better. But a meth-amphetamine drug dealing 50 year old middle school principal (Bethlehem ,Pa) just makes me want to giggle and that’s wrong I know it and it could happen to anyone but not really at least I don’t think it does.

And all those deadly boring certification classes out the window. And breaking the news to 950 students like they’re supposed to be traumatized but quite the contrary it’s like winning the state championship of weirdness and middle school kids will love it especially the ones who have the family dinner conversations with concerned parents who cannot answer the question ”Mom, Is Crystal Meth the same as meth amphetamines. Mr Accerra was always “amped” but he was nice.

The cops got a tip “The principal has bad teeth, is hooked and sells crank” And so the old informant wearing a wire with marked money and they made several buys until finally one was made in the guys freaking little middle school principal’s office and the informant left and in roared the cops and caught the guy with marked bills about to do crank at his desk.

Can you come back from such a public embarrassment? I have a friend who was a principal and got busted buying crack. He was fired didn’t go to jail and came back because quite frankly the hit on his reputation didn’t seem to bother him in the least.

I never dreamed of growing older and not being one of the crazy people and maybe my day is coming but if I get snagged walking out of Wawa with unpaid for five dollar sun glasses on my head I can always argue I forgot they were there and if I really wated to steal them I'd have ripped off the tag.

People’s propensity to self destruct like a Peter Graves brief case never ceases to amaze me.

Freddogg