Freddogg Off The Chain

I was a senior in high school sitting in Religion class. I was a non reflective idiot only in search of jokes and juxtapositions. I studied people and always marveled about the stupid things they cared about.
But this day the teacher/priest decided to engage me in a philosophical joust not only to test my Catholic faith but to make sure I could defend it when it came under attack from outsiders.
“David Frederick where did the first cow come from”?
“My Aunt Rose’s kitchen,”I said, and everyone laughed.
And then he drew the outline of a cow on the board and I thought “So it has come to cow silhouettes has it?”
“If this represents the first cow then where did it come from? Because some single Cow had to be the first one?”
“O.K. I’ll play Father. Maybe god said “Let there be a cow because it appears we need one, so hocus-pocus, he drops a cow in Levittown. But that would mean he had a cow concept where none existed anywhere in the universe before and his adoring cerebrums and seraphims would respond like “Nice. Awesome! Cow! Yeah, we get it!”
“And what would be the other explanation, ”Father asked.
“Hallucinogenic drugs, ”I guess father. “I know you’re going for the evolution theory like the first Guernsey Cow came from a Sea Cow and you should see my Aunt Rose in the above ground pool giving rides for as quarter?”
“Speaking of ponies I’m going to let you run your shtick, ”father said resisting the temptation of Christ whispering in his ear, ”Smack that boy! Let him create a cow from nothing!”
This was of course leading to the appearance of the first man who may have been spontaneous combusted out of nothing or more likely related to that cow much as I am related to my Aunt Rose.
“You can believe man evolved from lower life forms,” the priest said.
“Thanks father I can’t tell you what a relief that is to me.”
“It’s called the mitigating theory of evolution. When the first man appeared god infused him with a soul and so here we are”?
“Makes sense to me father or at least as much sense as anything else.”
And today I still look at a cow and I wonder,”Am I high or is that thing really there.”

Father Freddogg