Freddogg Off The Chain

I am so not getting this we are all “Joe the Plumber” campaign of McCain especially since Joe is no real Plumber and he is a tax delinquent.Let's not forget his girlfriend Jill the Plumper. And after the campaign is over and tripping Joe goes back to his previous life of anonymity I predict Joe will end up on the scrap heap of society sizzling in the winter sun of who cares then will become despondent and hurt somebody because after all he is a big jar headed non certified apprentice poser.
Woody Allen’s movie “Take the Money and Run” had a snippet of a bank robbery and a masked thug named “Willie the Logical Positivist.”
Logical Positivism is a philosophy based on agreed upon observable facts- Joe the Plumber is not a real Plumber therefore: Joe the Schmo.
There is an opposing philosophy which would take the position that if Joe is not a Plumber than what is he doing on the national political stage representing poser plumbers everywhere?
That prompted best selling books like “What is Reality” and as I watch this campaign head towards its sure to be dramatic conclusion on November 4 I keep asking myself that question which remains unanswered because agreed upon realities are just not attainable.
“All Ravens are black “But perhaps somewhere there is a hybrid Raven like Crow Raven Man because who knows if even all Ravens are Ravens unless you know the sexual history of all ravens as things are seldom what they seem to be.
I admire my buddies from the blue collar world because while I may be a logical positivist these guys actually know how to fix and make shit work. In education we would call that application of higher order thinking skills. I prefer to stop at the thinking part then go to my redneck Rolodex of problem solvers.

Fredric Von Freddoggy

This is an actual conversation I had with an institutionalized mental patient back in 1960. The man named Henry had a Masters in business from Princeton but after a car accident rattled his brain a different Henry emerged. Still a millionaire as Co-owner of the Rheingold Beer Corporation but unfit to swim in the mainstream of American society where people will smack your face if you get smart with them and refuse to back down.

“It’s cold up there in Alaska plenty cold.”

‘Yes I believe it is Henry.”

“Maybe it’s not!”

“Have you ever been to Alaska?”
“No, I haven’t Henry.”

“Maybe you have though. It is cold, plenty cold?”
“I’m sure that maybe it is.”

“You’re sure that’s maybe it’s not!”
“Do you like snow?”
“No I don’t!”
“You do!”
This went on and on and finally I saw a flaw in his logic and figured incorrectly that the laying of logic on the illogical mind is a moment of revelation that makes them better.

“Alaska is cold plenty cold. Do you like Alaska?”

“Yes and no Henry. Yes and no.”

He did not hesitate. “Yes and Yes”!

There is a lesson to be learned here then again maybe not.

Freddogg

Twenty five years ago a long term substitute shared a special education room with me at Cape Henlopen High School. His name actually was Rocky and he was an Episcopalian Minister in search of a parish.
This one day he is sitting next to James who always scored in the low range of intelligence on standardized tests but like many from the society of the unsophisticated James had unsuspected and unmapped intelligences.
Once at a football game a kid from another school said to James, “I’ll bet you five dollars Seaford beat Cape.”
James responded,” I don’t want to take you whole paycheck.”
Another time he came into my room and said,”Fredman I just got back my heath test that you helped me study for. Twenty five questions guess how many I got right?”

“I don’t know, twenty one?”
“Three man! Thanks man! How you gonna give somebody a three. Yo man can you figure it out so I can tell my mom what a three is?’”

‘Tell her not to worry it’s more like a 12,”I said, and James came over with a big smile shook my hand and said”Thanks for all you do man.”
Wrap around back to Reverend Rocky next to James. Rocky sits down shoulder to shoulder looks at James and asked,”James when is the last time you cried.”
James responded,” I don’t know, when is the last time you got off?”

Five years ago James was in front of the school to pick up his daughter. He said he wanted to give me a piece of his artwork.
The next day he gave me the penis nose granny character. The writing says, “your granny son is coming home soon good-by granny mother love.”
I asked him what I should do with it and he said “have your wife hang it in the living room.”
And I asked him, “What is with the blue and gold finger nails and penis noses?”
James answer,” It reminds me of all the good times when I was in high school.”
And as he was leaving he turned around and said,”Hey Fredman you are my boy. Don’t you remember---12? Thanks man.”


freddogg

You see hank Williams on stage with naked girls and only last week on stage with Palin therefore she pals around with guy who likes to appear with naked women.

My name is Fredman. I am a person named by black men and dressed by gay men and my name rhymes with Palin.” I own a tie or two, not a single suit, I am neurotically committed to only sneakers and white socks and I just don’t care. At times in my past I have worn a shirt and tie and high school girls would comment in complete astonishment, ”you look really nice ”meaning most of the time I am an acceptable non remarkable sort of fellow.
We all know that fat people don’t get the best jobs and polyester people work at Popeye’s and if you must play the part why not look the part say Auto Parts guy with blue striped shirt and name over the pocket. That’s the entire point of the Verizon Network guy who by the way I have grown to hate for no good reason I just hate him!
Personally I find Sarah Palin scary and did from the beginning if I were a state cop in Alaska she would be after my ass and the Asses of my supervisors. A man can just sense those things you know a bitch that doesn’t like him
But spending 150k to upgrade her act from the Dwight Yokel Outdoors action wear catalogue I think is a masterful idea.
Why not? That is her appeal I hate to burst anyone’s bubble but even men holding down the republican base with a hand inside their pants could care less about Palin’s political posturing. It’s all about the ideal woman for them far to the right as possible while still staying in the bed.
My grandmother used to say, “sometimes I am so right that everyone else just needs to shut up.”

Freddogg

Devon as adult tries to interview W. "The Mic is hot! The Mic is nice!"

Should a teacher of social issues keep his opinions to himself? Obviously a teacher shouldn’t foist personal positions on a captive classroom of teenagers with lamp shade eyes and tepid commitment to anyone outside the sphere of the self. But isn’t a person devoid of preferences just a robotic boring ass straight down the middle automaton?
I taught a class that was very friendly to divergences of opinion I only asked that students use knowledge and agreed upon facts and god forbid deductive and inductive reasoning to arrive at their positions.
Back in 1988 a College Prep senior classroom discussion on homosexuality learned or genetic was on the floor and I was talking about legal rights and levels of social acceptance and some boys were just very opinionated spewing forth stupid and rude comments when suddenly this little artistically dressed black kid with an effervescent personality jumped up on top of his desk and shouted “I’ll tell you all right now that I am gay and if you don’t like it you can kiss my chocolate ass.”
I looked at the football guys and there were several of all colors and ethnic backgrounds. They all had this stunned half smile on their faces when Polish Frank said,”Sit down Devon. Like who don’t know you’re gay?”
I asked these guys if they would defend Devon if strangers surrounded him threatening a bit of hate crime violence. They all said,”Dam right!”
I told them, “Exactly, because he is your friend who happens to be gay so in your own way you defend his gayness.”
Then Polish Frank had the light bulb go on in his vacant storage shed and he looked at me and asked “Hey Fredman? If your son Dave came home and told you he was gay what would you do?”
Frank nodded to the class like “see; let’s hear him get out of this?”
“I’d tell him to go decorate the living room,”I said, employing my grand mom’s advice of “joke first-nobody cares what you really think.”




FReddogg

A perpetrator tried to pilfer a puppy from a pet store but was stopped by the proprietor at the store door. Assault with a deadly puppy ensued as the pooch pugilist swung the puppy by its back legs at the clerk’s cranium ignoring his screams of “take the bitch just get out!”
The man honestly pleaded “my bad” left the store only to be arrested by a police K9 Unit with an agitated spitting Sheppard in the back barking in dog code “Just give me 10 seconds with his sorry ass!”
Meanwhile back at the pet store the puppy has a broken leg and is traumatized with deep seated repressed feelings of distrust and resentment over all species human.
Do you remember when Saddam’s sons and grandson were shot full of more holes than Bonnie and Clyde after an army reconnaissance dog was shot from an upstairs window. There was no call back to base on how to handle the delicate mission. The order to wax and waste was given with absolutely no remorse because most Americans view dogs as the sacred cows of their culture.
And what if you have to wear an eye patch for two weeks because you have a cracked orbital bone after a collision with a baby bulldog’s brow? "What happened to your lazy eye?"

Freddogg

Image One:Robert as Adult werewolf

Image Two: Father Canice ask Mary for forgiveness.


Young protestant football fans think the Hail Mary is a desperation pass. They have no idea about catholic payer and the holy rosary and buying time back from purgatory.
Back in 1963 a massive study hall in a cafeteria minus food and books at Bishop Egan high school we were being force feed 10 Hail Mary’s, one Our Father and a Glory Be to the Father.
The priest in proctor position was Father Canice, nicknamed The Possum, spoke like James Cagney in the “You Dirty Rat” scene. The possum was a scary sick bitch who could strike with either hand at lightning speed.
He came to the head of the table where I sat with my boys as we all looked straight ahead speaking to each other with our eyes. It was a simple game of who would break first as the tension grew and Canice got more Cagney like with every word that someone was going to crack and not giggle but rather become totally unraveled.
It was poor white boy Robert nicknamed The Werewolf. He cracked and got cracked but the praying went forward unabated and uninterrupted. Was the praying for something-lord give me better reflexes- or to pay homage-thank you for this moment as mine is not to reason why but to do or die and I understand that but dam! “

I’m out! Freddogg

The place where funny meets respect the decision to remain silent or tell the story that is the zone where I find myself.
Last weekend it was a gathering of old friends from high school-all the boys now over 60-aging in action but we don’t care like I always say "men love each other just ask their wives."
Perhaps the best of us is in the worst of conditions. Wade has early onset Alzheimer’s and we were all scared to see him but Saturday at the bar/restaurant it was story telling and laughing even going into a sit down sitcom of “Guess who Died” because when you are young it’s a game of seconds but over 60 we know of lots of people and the most fun is when you introduce a new player”he died? You’re kidding me?”
Wade was roaming around my house Sunday morning having left his bedroom and was just opening doors looking for himself. He stepped into the room where my brother was sleeping at 6 a.m said “hi buddy” then took his pants that were hanging over a chair.
Big Tom is 6’5” and 380 pounds while Wade is more 6’3” 215 pounds.
Wade was wearing the pants holding them up at the waist. My brother came out holding up his beltless Bermudas. "Have you seen Wade he took my pants and belt?" Later sister-in law Nancy appeared smiling. I said ‘If you live long enough someone is coming into your bedroom saying “hi buddy” and leaving with your pants. It is just going to happen." Nancy said that I can always see the humor in things and that was very therapeutic.
Wade was led back to his room and moments later his wife Mary returned the pants.
It was all a bit of insider fun because Wade was in fact wading in a world where everyone loves him but in the big pond it is not that understanding or forgiving.
Perhaps there should be a tee shirt “I make strange decisions”.

All I wanted was one air filter for my furnace. I knew the size, the old width, length and height trick that so impresses insider traders of heating supply parts. The warehouse was huge and there were filters all over the freaking place.
I stood at the counter in my black Under Armour shirt just looking all wrong. There was no name on my shirt pocket, in fact, no pocket, no ball cap, and absolutely no depth of humorous stories centering on impact wrenches.
I patiently waited and listened to counter interactions as we went from Phillips heads-who was this guy Phillips-to slot drivers throwing in words like torque and ratchet. I was being iced, made to wait, it was revenge of the redneck clique from the high school general ed track.
Finally Mr. is it a supply or ignition problem furnace unit troubleshooter dude took his lame brained stories to his white Chevy van with roof racks and bunged PVC storage pipes in the parking lot.
I stepped to the counter-‘Yaw got this animal-air filter-20-24-2 although I believe it will also take a 20 ½.”
I figured maybe I was in although admittedly I didn’t squint my eyes and look bewildered like the previous “I service what you don’t comprehend dude.”
‘Do you have an HVAC contractors license, ’I was asked, and the body language from “now I have to stand here and wait for the answer” counter guy assumed I didn’t have one and so I responded, “How about a Food Lion MVP card? Do I look like a contractor to you?”

”Can’t sell it to you,”he said.
“Let me ask you a question,”I asked. “Does the filter exist in real life and is it in this warehouse?”
He said, "yes" and I said "cool" stayed away from all sarcasm and left driving to my personal heating and plumbing service guys who took me into a warehouse and said “take all you want you can have an entire box of filters.”
Turns out there is a law which says ordinary citizens who are not licensed HVAC contractors cannot purchase supplies directly from distributors because one too many household repair guys have blown up one too many houses and apartment buildings and somehow Barack Obama has been implicated in the new republican strategy of "blame the black guy for everything."
Personally I like being shut down, told that I am not air filter worthy, or too stupid to purchase one, but I can do impeller versus propeller jokes which are way more sophisticated than some impact wrench riff.
By the way, what the hell is an impact wrench?

Chillin like a Chile Dog on a summer afternoon

I have shared a cup of coffee with members of the SDS, Black Panther Party, Guardian Angels, Warlocks, Pagans, Hippies, Yippies and even a few Yuppies.
I’ve been friendly with homosexuals, bisexuals, transsexuals and transvestites.
When I visit the local prison of 1400 inmates men yell my name from windows as I walk across the prison yard once causing the deputy warden to ask “how do you know so many of these people? I was even the graduation speaker at their boot camp program and one of my remarks was “they call it boot camp because there are members of society who will keep the wet leather boot of moral righteous on you neck forever continually pressuring your head back into the muck wanting to mire you in your mistakes. Those people who don’t understand forgiveness ain’t worth knowing and ain’t worth talking about. It’s not about them anyway it is about you leaving mistakes behind and walking forward and away from the garbage that got you in here in the first place.”
I am personally uncomfortable with the tenor and tone of this presidential campaign that in finally cranking to a close. I can no longer watch anyone debate or make speeches or listen to party operatives. I am not a paranoid person but I really distrust individuals who can argue positions just to defend a party that signs their paycheck.
I often told my students to take beliefs they held strongly then argue the opposite point of view. The Religion classes of the Sixties taught me that but I was so good arguing the devil was a good guy that I was smacked by the teacher and told to shut up.
Watch any debate for Ad hominem arguments which basically leave the argument at the side of the road in favor of attacking the person. These arguments are always invalid in syllogistic logic as Barack learned in his Harvard Law classes.
I had this really smart friend Joe from West Philly who was arguing with a cop commander one night about all kinds of stuff and finally cop commander said,” Well it all gets down to a matter of opinion. It’s my opinion versus your opinion.”
“That’s a self referential self negating paradox,”Joe said. “If everything gets down to opinion then so does that statement.”
“Go fuck yourself! Cop Commander shouted. “Is that self referential enough for your fat ass?”

I covered a Parents Day football game last Saturday afternoon taking lots of pictures but at halftime the real show broke out as Hampton University and Delaware State threw down with a battle of the marching bands.
These traditionally black college bands have a well earned reputation for taking halftime shows to an entire different level of entertainment including mascot races. I stood up and snapped pictures of musicians and dancing girls flying through the air and rolling on the turf. It was so cool and so energizing but the photos were out of the realm of what usually appears in the newspaper.
It is a fact that readers can’t handle any truths which are self evident unless it’s a line of white tuba players doing a choreographed hop.
Perhaps it’s not fair to make a cultural linkage but I taught in public school where the talk was always of diversity but when real diversity was encouraged schools couldn’t handle it and I’m not just talking white and black there is diversity of all kinds including diversity of political and religious position. What schools really can’t handle is confusion at the edges of the norm that produces noise. Noise is the enemy of the status quo but have you ever seen and exuberant quiet and motionless person?
I have and they usually say things like “This is really enjoyable I’m really having a good time.”
Don’t forget to “Dance To The Music!”

A New York City patrol officer was suspended from his job after being charged with six counts of sex with cows. That’s right chew on that sentence for a few minutes before arguing “do we really need bestiality laws to stay on the books?” What in Carnation?


Remember when Polish jokes were fun? Like the guy who used up all his sick days so he called in dead. Well a recent study in England suggests that certain medical conditions associated with workplace absences may identify people who have an increased risk of premature death.

In America “calling in sick” has a different meaning most times having nothing to do with actual sickness. In fact, the American workforce invented the term “mental health day” rationalizing “I’m not coming in for the good of everybody. I think I’ll spend a relaxing day in a cow pasture.”

I was part of the work force herd who never gave up a sick day being sick when I could come to work and get paid for it.

I took an English Literature class long ago when most campus bovines found me attractive and my teacher with the author/poet James Dickey who wrote the Novel “Deliverance” and actually used his own son as a stand in for Ned Beatty in the 'Squeal like a Pig' Hillbilly scene. Dickey also wrote a poem about a Wholly Baby inside a jar in a Georgia Museum. I remember him saying that every small town in America had a story about some guy who had sex with a sheep and you know he’s right I just saw curly headed Sheep Guy in Food Lion the other day in the express line right behind Vacuum Cleaner Guy. I only wish I were making this up.

A why do people count sheep or make up rhymes about cows jumping over moons or “how now brown cow” just what the hell does that mean?

I think I’ll call in sick and vacuum every rug in the house. Imagine when patrol cow/cop returns to work and pulls over a motorist for a mooing violation.

* This posting is regressive writing. It is so eighth grade I’m expecting any moment to be attacked by a penguin with a stick.

Stupid white people scare me because the have no excuse for their bewilderment as they try to reduce everything abstract to the concrete level and still their bubble is always off no matter how obtuse the angle of their cocked head .

Why can’t those who achieve beyond their innate talent levels just admit it? And why can’t they admit stupid as reflected on academic transcripts from their student days.

John McCain, Joe Biden and Sarah Palin were mediocre students which is actually inflating them because the bottom 10 percent of one’s class is looking up from the cellar- like a spinning spider on a rough hewn beam. An average grade of C is usually the lowest grade attainable for those who walk, chew gum and have long necks during college exams and when is the last time you heard of someone flunking out of law school or a military academy?

Why can’t someone admit,” I really tried as a student in all my classes I’m just not very smart. Sometimes I just get lost. I just don’t follow. Is that a crime? “

No, everyone has a story about being a rebel or party animal and not taking things seriously. You know like I’m really smart in spite of all hard data evidence that points to a different conclusion. “Dumb white person” should be a tee shirt and I would wear it because I’m not one but I wouldn’t care if people thought I was as long as everyone admitted such people exist and can be found throughout the government. .
Everything we stress with young students is totally devalued as people move into the work force. It really is the old joke “everybody likes a little but nobody likes a smart ass.”

I worked a career with teachers most with master’s degrees and some doctorates. Ninety percent of these individuals are not of raging intellect they are more diligent and more or less organized. Like a special student once said to me “you don’t cut nobody you ain’t no doctor.”

freddogg

Caveman Hit-"Will you still love me tomarrow"

I woke up this morning with two words in my head “Toxic Asset.” What in the freak is a Toxic Asset?
I guess it’s like “you owe me money with interest accruing daily BUT it ain’t like I’m ever getting it back from your sub primate self. I have a better chance collecting owed bones from Australopithecus or Home habilis or as spell checker prefers Homo Chablis and god knows lots of homos drink white wine straight up-hold the Elliot Spitzer. ”
And so the government buys these assets from banks with real money-the bank is like Whoa good deal- and then tries to collect them toxic assets like a pump truck on a porta-potty- assets like defaulted student loans but everyone knows that college people with degrees ain’t paying for something they already have hanging on their wall.
There is no more faulty strategy than buying bad debt and turning it into a profit. I think on the street it’s called pay day loans or just plain loan sharking. How about those yuppies that flipped houses like pancakes? They should be made part of Strike Force Bin Laden and sent into mountainous Pakistan on the mission to find the arthritic 6’5” Arab on dialysis hooked nosed home video maker and to toss his dead carcass over the back of a donkey and parade him through the streets shouting “All you Turban Taliban, Paragons and Octagons can get some too-hear what I’m sayin?”
Somewhere the land carps of the economy are mapping a bottom feeding plan of attack. It happened yesterday on Wall Street because that’s how the game is played. If you can stick your head in to the bailout money pipeline-it has to flow somewhere- you can capitalize on your neighbor’s misery and shattered dreams all the time acting the savior like you are doing him a favor.
The problem is I don’t know how to do that just like I don’t understand how people made millions on the Dot Com Bubble.

Freddogg