Freddogg Off The Chain

“The Hippo is responsible for more violent attacks and deaths of humans in Africa than any other herbivore.”
So is the Hippo responsible or irresponsible and if responsible then subjected to the laws of man which means what exactly being as one hippo pretty much looks like another and I wonder what goes through your head when attacked by a 5000 pound buoyant beast with mostly mashers for teeth except for those four foot long incisors.
“Oh yea, you’re jealous Mr. Bull Hippo like I am interested in riding your cow like an amusement park paddle boat or my Tugboat Auntie in the above ground pool.
Here’s an idea, don’t swim in moats! Rhinos are prehistorically stupid with their big bodies and sloped heads and aphrodisiac horns but they are always dry and dusty not to mention crusty and instinctively know better than to risk being butt plugged and mashed on the neck by a frustrated homicidal homo herbivore hippo screaming like Marv Albert’s in an algae wig surprising his Friday night girlfriend, “Coming at you from downtown, Yes!”
And remember a Giraffe may kick your ass but you will never kick his.

freddogg

Today I shook hands with a retired urologist in WaWa as he was waiting for a six inch Shortie with oil and no mayo. An Indian guy-could be a law-he said “oh yes you are sports/coach person.” I did notice he shook my hand like a limp dick there is no other way to describe it, I mean it’s not like he choked chickens for a living.
And of course his two sons are incredibly successful one is a cardiologist and the other a corporate lawyer in Manhattan. And I’m big assed white sock wearing hip degenerative sports/coach guy.
There was a strapping young guy ordering a sub and wearing no shirt. Think hoagie then think no shirt and already I am feeling oily. What a freaking moron to be an under 30 poser dude in Wawa like how desperate are you to want to be acclaimed “Best Brunch Body on Beach Getaway Day at WaWa hoagie counter”?
Yesterday's news produced two winners. A purse snatcher “sucker punched” a blind lady on a bus-how else do you punch a blind person-and a suicidal Chinese guy held up bridge traffic for five hours until a citizen broke through a police barrier and asked the man “do you really want to jump” then pushed him off saying he was just looking for attention which is no reason to hold up traffic.

Freddogg

“You’re in Time Out you bloated biscuit now get your phylum of dinosaurs and magic markers cause it’s solitary time for you and all your imaginary friends to be sequestered inside the three sided appliance box so the rest of us can catch a much needed break .And if you keep screaming we’re putting the top on.”
CNN interviewed this pair of young morbidly obese parents who have sued a school district for putting their “autistic” child-himself in the 99th percentile of the teeter-totter elite- in a time out box for two hours allowing the kid to draw all over himself while screaming “I’ve got your diplodocus right here!”
“And the teacher is still working while the suit is in court” speaking of which check out the food court at Wall mart and indoor playground at McDonald’s because this family is milking this like a cream filled Borden cow.
Parents today cry “no discipline” and agree kids “want discipline” but if Brandon is punished and no amount of lobbying will sway the teacher in charge then the parents go on the attack. That is why so many sensible people are leaving the business.
Parents calling CNN and the cable news Barbie’s and Ken’s “how horrible to punish a kid with time out” but it is aversion therapy along with respite for the majority who may get their own ticket to the three sided box.
I have a special needs grandson who gets timeout at school, home and at his grandparent’s house. He sometimes pouts; it tugs at your heart but appropriate social behaviors must be inculcated early or it’s hang around the institution for an adult lifetime.

Peace

I know hundreds of former athletes across an age span that makes some of them grandparents and others not old enough to vote. I knew them all at their high performance no body fat svelte selves. They know me as a coach “who’s got jokes.”
And so they roll in front of me many twice as big and I simply say hello and they wait, wait for the joke but honestly I don’t do weight jokes because those who have lost it know who they are and cruelty from a positive memory icon of your previous life is just so unwarranted.
I was heading to the track last week to take a team picture when a Wellness Center counselor rolled up on me and said,”You look like Santa Clause with a camera.” The guy is a great guy and wasn’t trying to be mean and I remembered Joe Frazier commenting on Ali calling him a Gorilla and saying “I know what a gorilla looks like and I don’t look like that.” If Joe said that to me face to face I would be careful not to smirk but Santa Clause with a Camera? Why that image” Say, what are you trying to say?
‘Fredman tell them that this fat girl was a conference champion sprinter. Tell them this blimp from the blocks could bust a 200 meter dash like a greyhound on a fake rabbit. Tell them coach cause my sons need to know their mom didn’t parachute to earth a fat girl. They need to hear it from you.”
“You mom has the state record in the 100 and 200 while running in a dress,” I told them. “Now that got their attention and it is true and they wanted to know, “You ran in a dress?”
‘It was a religious thing back then but now there are body suits where the young athletes look beautiful=poetry in motion=but if that fashion gains broad based popularity and are sold in Wall mart it is going to get ugly.

A classy older black man-my age-in a ball cap with work van parked outside the Verizon store was getting a new phone. He had a voice like Brook Benton and I would have offered him a 50 dollar rebate to sing the Bolweeval song.
The sales assistant dude looked like the dork guy in the Verizon Network commercial except he was “a lot mo fatter.”
What struck me was as he went down the list of ring tones the black gentleman didn’t bite on any of them and when he got to the George Clinton Parliament Funkadelic Interplanetary Funk version of Atomic Dog ’yippie yo yippie yey’ he kept playing it while bobbing his head up and down as if to say,” I can feel you my brother, I can feel you.”
I tried to imagine a reverse situation, a younger hip hop dude trying to ensnare me with some Toby Keith because not being a classy older gentleman I would react “Move on Bro Dot Com. Why I gotta be liken Toby Keith”?
The man settled on the sound of a phone ringing while I choose something called 'wah wah' because it reminded me of my favorite dining establishment.

Peace

Atomic Freddogg

I sat on the gurney and listened to the Technician of the Fluoroscope explain to me how my hip injection was going to work. "You will lie on your back pull your shorts down to your knees I will cover you with a sheet then the doctor will do the injection. He is running a little late because he is up in the operating room fixing someone’s Humerus as he tapped his thigh for a visual.
“That’s interesting,”I said, “Because the Humerus is in your arm.”
“Three guiding by nuclear imaging probes into my hip socket –it didn’t hurt in the tradition pain sense but the imaging in my own brain signaled my weird shit alarm response. The doc said I won the “bad hip of the year” award and he replaces 400 a year. He agreed I was tough and didn’t have to throw in stupid because we both already knew that.
And I discovered the pain medication prescribed gave me a headache and you know the advice “never take medication prescribed for another” well it turns out that Jesse Dog and me were exactly on the same pain meds which explains my urge to drag my butt across the driveway.
I just hope the day of my hip replacement surgery that I don’t get a new shoulder.

Freddogg

The soft side of sarcastic man that’s what makes observation and humor fresh and vibrant and wit meaningful otherwise you’re just a grouchy bitch.
Yesterday I was taking pictures at a girl’s lacrosse game when I heard a little voice scream “Hey Fredman!” It was two year old granddaughter Lina so I snapped her photo through the chain link.
Then I saw this cute redheaded girl leaning by the fence and I joked “trust me” and snapped her photo with a long sports lens. Her dad is a former student of mine her last name is Catts I wrote down the first but promptly lost it because I’m a forgetful idiot.
Also pictured is the Tower Hill goalie who turned and charged her own net factoring the element of complete surprise into her life tired of just playing defense because where is the glory?
Speaking of goalies, the greatest sign ever in sports at the Spectrum during a Flyers game: “Only God has more saves than Bernie Parent.”
And the worst sign was at a Rangers game after Flyers goalie Pelle Lingburg was killed when his Porsche hit a wall at 100 p.m.h.
Ron Hextall was the new goalie and the sign read “Hey Hextall Drive a Porche!”

Later gators

Freddogg

One minute you are minding your own business and the next you are watching four women wrestle an old porky retriever dog and the specialist has a rubber glove, another is your wife and you are thinking “oh my god” I once saw a slow motion dog bite and the mouth opens wide enough to carry a cantaloupe.
I excused myself feeling suddenly weary and useless plus who needs to see that. But it was too late and there was talk of impacted anal glands “vet woman never felt any so full” and I never knew any existed but somehow improper vigilance of my dog’s anal glands was making me look like a low class owner.
Hey the next time I go searching for impacted anal glands on a dog there will be a bazooka trained at my head.
I suggested the Hannibal the Cannibal dog defense mask but my suggestion was shaken off like ear mites on a summer night. That’s another disgusting dog trick, ear mites. Why did god even make them? I know why because he thinks it’s funny like all the creepy parasites that invade mammalian bodies the price we pay for being higher order animals.
I’m thinking of a group of rockers “ The Impacted Anal Gland Band-hitting that high lonesome sound-so lonesome I could cry. Express Yourself!

Freddogg Dragging my Butt across the hot blacktop driveway or life

Why do neighbors who don’t own dogs always put “two and pooh” together and deduce that your off the chain pets are defiling their bullshit properties.
These people need multiple layers of low strata families to cohabit in my house down the street. Let them run out to Lowe’s and purchase more motion activated security lighting.
I stopped in my truck to say hello to an elderly neighbor walking his Bichon Frise described by the AKC as “a small, sturdy, white powder puff of a dog whose merry temperament is evidenced by his plumed tail carried jauntily over the back.”I call it a gay bitch.
“Have you ever considered getting a dog, ”I joked to which the man said, ”Who’s there” so I stayed with the dyslexic theme and said “Knock Knock.”
The point is from two feet away he couldn’t focus my big head filling up a truck window but then said “My dogs were crapping in his yard” and four other neighbors have told me the same thing which is pathetic and I know it’s untrue and all I can say to them is “That’s all you got? That’s the weak game you are bringing? “
Then yesterday I saw a trash man taking a digital photo of strew trash and I know the neighbor who hasn’t spoken or waved to me in 10 years will summon up the courage to accuse Porka Choppa Jessie “your dog” of ripping his flimsy white tied with red bow garbage bags apart and I will respond “Get another trash can you cheap ass.”
Jesse and Darby are my last dogs because I don’t want to talk to neighbors about such matters anymore ever again. When we lived in town we had this cat that would walk from car to expensive car leaving paw prints and sometimes even sleep on the roof. It was all the way freaking hilarious.
"That's not my cat" was my defense and I had no problem going Judas on his selfish self because if he could talk he'd sell me out for a fish stick.
Peace