Freddogg Off The Chain

Eight years ago I bought a female lab from a guy named Denny who lived in Rock Hall Maryland by the bay and drove a white panel truck with “Labs and Lawns” written across the side. Denny said,”I won’t sell my dogs to the people around here because I see how they raise their kids.”
I assumed many of Rock Hall’s children were tethered to rotting wooden lean-tos in the tall Phragmites.
Yesterday I was rocking it old school doing photo journalism first at a boys late afternoon basketball game then over to a wrestling match.
Both had food tables offering skinny boiled dollar dogs and bars of candy. You can’t beat a butter finger and a bowwow. Both basketball and wrestling offered the same Friday night fare.
I have attached a couple of wrestling photos which is really a sport for little wiry and wily athletes, then the team if filled in up top by big guys recruited from the cafeteria refill line with nicknames like Hulk,Two Ton Tommy,Slim and Pink Albino Elephant.
The Guy sitting on the bench just won his 171 pound bout while the other combatants are heavyweights working on unnatural rules and moves of engagement as the referee signals “potentially unnatural if not downright dangerous.”
The final photo is what happened when two 125 pound strong teenagers with 5 percent body fat got after each other in the name of sport.
The adult with the basketball is a former star athlete shooting a halftime free throw for a free chocolate bar of candy,hot dog and diet coke.
Stay fit!

There were two great writing prompts from this Sunday morning’s news reports. . In one an innocent bystander caught in the middle of a spontaneous group spasmodic street conflagration was bitten by a police dog.
It reminded me of the bomb scare at the high school where I taught when a fight broke out in a crowded gym, the cop and his passive drug sniffing dog came to help quell the disturbance and as an always unemotional English teacher backed into the doorway the dog bite her on the ass. It was kind of funny because she just looks down then gave the dog a note to go to the office.
The second was about three rampaging elephants escaped from the elephant car wash trampling to death some Indians who worked for Hewlett Packard computer technical support team.
I would guess that a tee shirt “Survived Elephant Trampling” doesn’t exist and speaking of Tusk carrying bull elephants do they mate the way I think they do and make the noises I’m sure they do? My god, most of nature is so “nobody needs to see this!”
And what is up with the nearsighted Rhino and his aphrodisiac horn? Ask not so little Miss Rhino I guess? Will that be cash or charge Mr. Rhino. “Hello, All State? Another Rhino tried to mate with my Willy. No, it’s a jeep!”

The above writing is an example of Freudian fixation which means I left my creative game in the sixth grade

Progressive is moving in on the insurance market going after Geico by using dumb and annoying Ads we hate but are nonetheless imprinted on our brains so we find them familiar then make consumer choices actually believing that by saving money were are getting equal service. “Low balers only look good in baggy pants,” my grandmother said
Yesterday I encountered a progressive obsessive insurance adjuster bitch at the local body shop. Pancaked pink with a bad make up job, blue eye shadow like a 57 Ford Galaxy there was just body shop adjuster irony everywhere.
This woman was talking Cadillac parts and just like sideline reporters in football the bitch had no background but she was a rusted Monkey wrench challenging the computer system talking after market wanting no returned already ordered parts sent back.
Then she went out to her dopey Progressive SUV with swivel mounted on board laptop and started looking up shit so as I passed her window I said, ”Richard said you should leave you are scaring off customers.”
Richard of course didn’t say that but he is a guy who collects cannons as a hobby so I know if she pushed him too hard he might nail her in the back of the head with a charge of wadding as she left the parking lot. "What's that noise?" Whap!
Junkyards are in fact a man refuge and most women are totally cool with that like the one who works there I just love her because she allowed herself to be assimilated into the culture and not try to change it.

There was a horror movie some years back “I Dismember Momma” and ever since I’ve been struck when ordinary people do extraordinary things like killing a family member before cutting them up with a chain saw into smaller pieces then placing the body parts around a city to avoid having the original crime traced back to them.
I just read of a case in Jenkintown outside of Philly where I was offered a job 35 years ago but there was something so chainsaw massacre in the eyes of the local populace that I turned it down.
Some young women with of course a degree in Psychology was upset because her single dad yelled at her, so she had her single boyfriend, shoot her dad with a single bullet, in the back of his single head.
The two took off for a week before coming back with new chain saw for a “dismemberment only party” hacking up a decomposing fully clothed nuclear relative only to have his clothes jam the chain saw and I wish I was kidding about this but what kind of sense of humor makes up dismemberment scenarios?
The boy friend wasn’t testosterone over the top in lust with this feline fiend rather he just needed the thousand tax free dollars easily earned better than being a humiliated retail clerk at the nearby going out of business Strawbridge’s store.
If you check all the daily papers across the country like I do everyday then you know there are always at least two dismemberment stories up and running like a wobbly zombie on a midnight jog.

Avoid bad food and avoid the fat I get that. Work out and enjoy the benefits I get that. I am an avoidance approach kind of guy. I have avoided the Golden Globes, Survivor, American Idol, The Apprentice and Regis Philbin. But riding the bike at the gym under headphones listening to “Leave the Mud People Alone” by the Subdudes and there is Cute little Kelly what’s her name on the television overhead. I am intrigued by her carefully scripted vulnerability. How does one woman learn all those subtle cutesy maneuvers? Give me a smirk over a pout any day.
I want to get away from all things Ophra but she keeps rising like a biscuit in box of friend chicken tenders. One hundred million a year and in her own words “how could I do it? How could I let it happen?” She is of course talking about getting fat again then annoying the nation about it. She is talking about being so fat that when a friend practices the Heimlich maneuver on Ophra her body plays Lady of Spain like a Lawrence Welk accordion.
People who used to be fat take a compliment and turn it into a food depth charge then marvel when they don’t blow up. And so the subconscious says “you can eat whatever you want because you have changed your metabolism and your now naturally hyper kinetic like all those type A efficient vice free overachievers that you’d love to sugar smack down at the sugar shack.
Like a necktie in the washer diet is all a vicious spin cycle. Fight the power!

I listened to Gil Gerard on the Discovery Heath Channel talk about his disappointment going from Buck Rodgers t.v star 25 years ago to modern day fat guy at the please don’t strip mall.
Wikipedia on line talks about Gerard’s weight ballooning to 365 pounds and I wondered “why do weight gainers always have to be ballooning” which may be the yeast of their problems in an economic downturn when the only thing expanding is their stretch waistband Wall mart olive green dingo work pants. By the way did you know in gay culture one just never wears stretch pants it is just so “oh my god he didn’t” socially unacceptable.
So ballooning Buck now talks about how mini gastric bypass surgery was right for him, choking the neck of the circus balloon all chicken choking jokes aside and saving his life as he has dropped 145 pounds of carbon dioxide squeaking loudly with every discarded ounce . That’s 580 pounds of pressure released from his hip sockets which is why he does the ecstasy moan with each step around the golf course. “Oh yea”!
Gil did say he avoided many social functions-and by the way he is a great guy very much involved in charity work like serving as a nun buoy for special Olympic polar plunges -because he never felt right in his fat guy cloths even though he was the fat guy.
The zone where will power yields to surgery and success is claimed as the prize. Isn’t this just another example of body augmentation and adjustment?
I imagine being the pharmacist at the Happy Harry’s express lane you qualify by having your name, condition and medication read over the store’s loud speaker, I mean how much fun would that be?
Pizza be with you!

A stupid friend of mine once said “My wife calls me algebra because I’m always hard.” Then I saw his wife in the grocery store-insert your own produce joke- and I asked her “Where’s Algebra?” And she said,”How did you know my cousin’s nickname?”
Speaking of the worthlessness of a slide rule in the hands of the masses yesterday I met with renowned hip surgeon and he never asked for x-ray update of did any motion test he just actively listened to things I said, answered questions then said I was absolutely not a candidate for hip replacement surgery and on bad days I should just use a cane, you know, like in the gym on my way to the triceps press down station.
He did throw out the factoid that for every 10 pounds of belly fat it translated into 40 pounds of hip joint pressure the old X for belly is equal to 4times Y for hip socket.
“That would explain the preponderance of fat limping people,”I said. “But not all limpers are fat and some joints just deteriorate from over use, no use, or bad diet. And by the way, I know what you did there, just burying the belly fat factoid in the middle of a sentence so that I wouldn’t make anymore jokes about you in my column like twisting the legs off IGA barbecue chickens just for recreation. “
So my wife and I go to a Diner last night-I take a night off from airborne viral attacks from the uninsured inside high school gyms and I order Chicken and egg plant Parmesan. The plate comes so stacked with food it looks like a joke and the waiter brings an extra plate why I have no idea.
I ate only a little because I was already filled up on salted sour dough pretzels I boomed craned from a barrel on the kitchen counter.
A self designed program of weight loss and core strengthening is my prescription which I will follow religiously as long as no church is involved.
“It’s hip to be square.”

Attached is picture of paternal grandfather Frank Frederick I am estimating he is 52 years old and I am 2. Yes he is big strong German dude with bad attitude and most likely bad hip.