Freddogg Off The Chain

The spring of 1988 three busloads of seniors rolled out of off road Lewes Delaware and Cape Henlopen High School and headed for the Philadelphia Zoo. I had gotten the trip approved because of my lively written request which was a treatise arguing graduating seniors soon to be of voting age should travel to the intersection where Physical Anthropology intersects Social Ecology because Darwinism was working as the species Homo sapiens was systematically destroying the planet.

We got to the zoo which was teaming on this weekday with fourth grade classes from urban Philly schools proctored by teachers with vocabularies that should have gotten them caged. We all looked too big and old to be there especially 275 pound Andy who rode the monorail for three straight hours while making fish faces.

Students were instantly guilty of Anthromorphizing –ascribing human characteristic to animals-but 20 years later the dumb assed Animal Planet would anthropomorphize it’s ass off to attract viewers who actually believe animals have loyalties and courtship rituals and will share a felled carcass for the good of the Pride and other human type bullshit.

Three black kids who were also on my track team were having the most fun as they related to every captive animal. They just stared at little crocodiles who themselves were staring at frozen white mice. “Why do they just lay there and stare coach? Ain’t they supposed to grub?”

“Reptiles sometimes act like that plus they don’t have to eat that often, ”I said staying away from the warm blooded/cold blooded bullshit that I couldn’t fake my way through.

“I couldn’t be no crocodile coach, ”said Jim Jim. “Me neither, ”said Bugs. “I couldn’t just lie in that water staring at food for hours. I’d be on that bullshit quick!”

“It seems to me you guys have all you can handle being human without relating to crocodiles,” I joked.

“Oh yea like Fredman could be a patient crocodile as big as his ass is. You know you ain’t waiting for no hours to eat fredman. What’s that in your hand?’ “It’s a hotdog.” ‘That’s what I’m talking about Fredman. Where did you get it?”

The funniest was the natural outdoor exhibit where 3 foot Gibbons with four foot arms were brachiating through the trees while others just hanged around in small groups talking a bunch of high pitched Gibbon shit. One of the Gibbons was albino.

“Check out the white one Fredman. What is that?”

‘That’s Larry Bird, ”I said and no sooner did I say that then Bird took off on a fast branchiate going from tree top to tree top like a flying Walenda or as my spell checker prefers Agenda.


There ensued non stop six hours of Larry Bird watching not the same kids but always a crowd. As soon as a group would get bored watching an elephant or at the gay petting zoo stroking a goat they would come back to watch Larry and talk about him and remark how bad he was although they also liked Chocolate Thunder but finally I decided they could name their own animals.

Teachers throughout the school district were abuzz about Fredman’s Zoo trip with seniors as if it were a junket and worthless endeavor but the last time I checked fourth graders couldn’t vote and most never heard of Larry Bird.

Peace

Save The Planet

Professor Freddogg