Freddogg Off The Chain

CRACKBACK MOUNTAIN

Crack backs are illegal in football but in verbal repartee they are fair game. But I am a professional and my sarcasm is a registered weapon. So I usually just absorb and figure, ”People are more fucked up than I ever dreamed.”

It is human nature to pick on weaknesses when angered. So I’m walking down the Rehoboth Boardwalk one day and Cheryl, a local celebrity who played Miss Piggy in the Muppet Movie because she’s a roller skating midget, yells something to me and I just nod then she says, ”You with the beer belly. I’m talking to you. Do you want to buy a raffle ticket?”

I mumbled to myself, “the roller skating Miss Piggy midget, a town character, whom everyone loves, is cracking on my ass. That is such a healthy adjustment to her limitations. I will leave her be but I ain’t buying no stupid ass raffle ticket from her.

Have you ever felt good about yourself and your self body image then get mistaken for someone you don’t see in the same idealized vision?

I was standing in from of Grottos on the boardwalk as a major storm was approaching. I was in the middle of a five mile walk. Working of fitness and feeling good about myself. A cute waitress came outside and walked right up to me and why shouldn’t she?

“What time are you closing the Baordwalk, ”she asked me. I knew immediately she thought I was the lifeguard captain who is a fat guy with a mustache and my friend. I told him about it and we both laughed and we're equally insulted.

Big and older white guys with mustaches get mistaken for each other all the time. And I’m never happy about it because I know that unlike them I exude a certain animal sexiness while they are outside of the rim of the breeding population looking back through Plexiglas.

Last Sunday at the gym a woman I just see around so I nod and she nods back but Sunday she came up and smiled and said, ”Now I know who you are?” And I was waiting to hear, “writer and columnist, I read your stuff all the time, you are so funny!”

But no, she drops another name and the guy is a marshmallow, never been in a gym in his life. The good news, this guy is about 13 years younger than me so at least he would be equally insulted to have me be mistaken for him.

One other rule I have is when you pass people you haven’t seen for awhile and you recognize them but they don’t recognize you to just let in go, stay quiet because the outcome is never good.

I once started talking to a 30 something young mother who was a former student. She was bubbly and cute, had the SUV and no job think going on, but she soon discovered that humorous teacher man thought she was someone else.

“Fredman I hate you! I just hate you! I can’t believe you confused me with that fat, bucket assed, no breasted woman that graduated 10 years before me.”

I’m off to the gym to get more material.

Peace Freddogg