Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Hippos Strike Back!
MADE IN THE IMAGE AND LIKENESS! LOOK NO FURTHER! HIPPOS STRIKE BACK!
I am a product of 12 years of Catholic education and have the startle reflex to prove it! I had always been taught with quite a bit of emphasis that I am made in the image and likeness of god. He is me and I am she and we are all each other and what the heck am I talking about? And if the Walrus was Paul
then who is the Hippo? I think I know?
Back in 1993 I was doing my standup comedy routine in front of a Psychology class at Cape Henlopen high school talking about schizophrenia and its popular cousin multiple personality disorder. Which was in fact actually one of my real life cousins but the Frederick clan never owned up to any one of her.
“So well then a anyway” (Guido Sarducci linguistics) I pull out this news item about some Schizo outpatient from Norristown Hospital climbing a fence at the Philadelphia Zoo. This whacko begins biped- aling around the Great Ape exhibit, they are quadrupeds so they think he’s gay Gibbon, which included lazy Orangutans and lowland Gorillas with lowlife stares and many with a chip on their shoulders. He sat himself down right next to a 500-pound silverback and began sharing fruit with the guy while picking knits out of his size 12 slopped head. Amazingly enough, Senor Donkey Kong (they don’t call me
Donkey cause I’m stupid) seemed to like the attention like we all do if someone starts scratching our head. Just as long as they ain’t looking for trouble!
Suddenly the man snapped back to the normal snow flaked weak ass Homo Sapien he really was and looked dead into the ice cold stare of a 500 pound gorilla. That gorilla became confrontational and kicked his sorry tail all the way to the rare reptile house which coincidentally also houses several
creatures resembling my first cousins.
I told the kids that the man’s fear is what triggered the Gorillas aggression and that anyway a 500 pound Gorilla can sit anywhere he wants and they responded, ”what does that mean’ and I told them I had no idea.
I then transitioned to another Psycho Day at the zoo story. The class kicked back because everybody loves a good story about some stranger;s life spiraling down the staircase of disarray not to mention dissociative
disorder.
Years ago some Loony Tune escapee from a defunct softball league for middle aged alcoholics was walking around the zoo with a duffel bag filled with softballs. He stopped at the natural habitat hippo exhibit otherwise known as lots of dry dirt around a stagnant moat filled with hippo shit.
The man marveled at how often these 5000 pound built low to the ground mammals yawned and how wide their mouths opened. He could see all the way to the back of the throat. Most of us just look away.
“O.K how bout a little bingo- bango here for you hippos, ”the man yelled.
“What do you say? Let’s hear a little hippo chatter out there!” The man was throwing softballs at hippos trying to get one to make a catch like a 5000 pound soft bite retriever. Finally, there was a direct hit but
the ball rolled to the top of the hippo’s airway choking off the oxygen supply.
“The hippos lips turned blue and he rolled over and died, ”I told the class. They immediately burst out laughing but I didn’t mean for it to be a funny story “You’re sick,” one kid said. “Hippos don’t have lips” blurted some girl who was checking out her five layers of makeup in a compact mirror.
“Hippos do have lips,” I said. “I pointed to some a boy named Kris and said, ”What are you doing just sitting there? Get out of here and don’t come back until you have a picture of a hippopotamus and I don’t mean a group photo of the cafeteria ladies.”
The class gave me a “you’re so wrong” stare and Kris hit the boogie woogie hallway and never came back but like the guy next to the silverback I had already forgotten who and where I was.
The next day I was at the cash register in the cafeteria hoping I wouldn’t be charged extra for my round mound of gooey and hard crusted beffaroni.
“Hippopotamus ey?” “What”” I responded to the lady with the British accent working the off register. “Hippopotamus ey?” “Whatever, ”I said. “I don’t know if I much like being compared to a Hippopotamus, ”she said very Monty Phython.
“I don’t blame you I wouldn’t either, ”I said walking away. I didn’t get far before I remembered. I turned around and looked at her but all I could say was, ”Holy Christ! I am a dead man!”
The next morning I walked into the work area of the cafeteria and made an announcement. “I have something to say ladies! Please gather around.”
The came from their stations but kept a safe distance like natives from the Congo observing a white guy for the first time.
“There’s this story going around that I referred to the cafeteria ladies as a bunch of hippos when I was teaching one of my classes. Well I’m here to tell you that the story is absolutely true. There ain’t nothing worse than some big bull walrus backtracking and denying he called people hippos. If I could fabricate a good lie I would get after one. But I’m pretty much dead meat on this issue. I meant no offense! I could just as easily made fun of myself as anyone else. It’s not personal. Please don’t try to poison me.”
The all looked at me like ”I thought this guy was supposed to be funny?” And then they walked back to their stations. I poured myself a cup of coffee, pretended to pay for it and headed back to class.” But that was not that as it almost never is!
A few months later on New Years Day I led a charge of 300 polar bears into the Atlantic Ocean. I must also add that the Catholic Feast Day of the Circumcision is and always has been a slow news day. “We’re going to celebrate what?”
My phone was ringing off the hook on January 2. My most unusual call came from the Cape Gazette newspaper office where a bunch of my colleagues were screaming towards the phone. “Beluga! Beluga!”
There was an ongoing story in the state of Delaware that week about a gigantic Beluga Whale that had gotten itself trapped in one of the inland bays. ”I’ve got your sperm whale right here!” I retaliated back into the phone.
“Haven’t you seen the News Journal paper this morning, ”News Editor Steve said? “A color picture of you running into the ocean is taking up the entire front page. You’re not going to be happy!”
But the hippos were happy as were many other locals with acute body dysmorphia who thought they looked better than they actually did. But what could I say? I was Beluga Boy and 750,000 thousand Delawareans were having a big Beluga belly laugh at my expense.
And that should have been that but it almost never is!
That June at the end of the year staff breakfast held on the upper level of Fisherman’s Wharf restaurant overlooking the tidal marsh ( fertile grounds for bewildered belugas and rouge pygmy hippos) I was sniped and snatched out of the dirt like a wild pitch caught by a hippo catcher!
“Now that all the gifts have been handed out to the retirees and teachers of the year, the Happy Hippos of the Cape Cafeteria would like to serenade our chief zoo keeper Mr. Frederick.”
No one in the room knew what Renee was talking about but she was a born entertainer.
“Mr. Frederick things we all look like hippos so when rehearsed this little song for him.”
And then they sang while swaying from side to side. A cuter collection of little hippos had never been seen anywhere. All ages and colors of hippos just retaliating against some teacher smart ass who had it coming and actually was a little flattered. But the other teachers in the room, especially the fat women, were giving me weird looks like, ”if he says things like that in public about lunch ladies what must he say in private about us?”
After the serenade Renee presented my with a watercolor painted by Polish Artist in Residence John Gardowski. The painting had nine colorful hippos floating in a moat all named after the women workers and all with bright red Mick Jaggar lips. And a caption above their heads which read, ”Yes they do have lips!”
That painting proudly hangs in my classroom for two reasons. I’m the only person on the planet to get a John Gardowski painting and not pay for it and most importantly it provides me with a reminder of how cool it was the way those women reacted when they screwed Beluga Boy to the wall in front of the entire staff. And come to think of it I wonder if Renee set up that New Years Day photo?
Note” Renee retired and I gave her the Hippos water color- trust me you don’t want to wallow with hippos in colored water and she in turn gave me a painting of a hippo dressed in an American flag.
I am a product of 12 years of Catholic education and have the startle reflex to prove it! I had always been taught with quite a bit of emphasis that I am made in the image and likeness of god. He is me and I am she and we are all each other and what the heck am I talking about? And if the Walrus was Paul
then who is the Hippo? I think I know?
Back in 1993 I was doing my standup comedy routine in front of a Psychology class at Cape Henlopen high school talking about schizophrenia and its popular cousin multiple personality disorder. Which was in fact actually one of my real life cousins but the Frederick clan never owned up to any one of her.
“So well then a anyway” (Guido Sarducci linguistics) I pull out this news item about some Schizo outpatient from Norristown Hospital climbing a fence at the Philadelphia Zoo. This whacko begins biped- aling around the Great Ape exhibit, they are quadrupeds so they think he’s gay Gibbon, which included lazy Orangutans and lowland Gorillas with lowlife stares and many with a chip on their shoulders. He sat himself down right next to a 500-pound silverback and began sharing fruit with the guy while picking knits out of his size 12 slopped head. Amazingly enough, Senor Donkey Kong (they don’t call me
Donkey cause I’m stupid) seemed to like the attention like we all do if someone starts scratching our head. Just as long as they ain’t looking for trouble!
Suddenly the man snapped back to the normal snow flaked weak ass Homo Sapien he really was and looked dead into the ice cold stare of a 500 pound gorilla. That gorilla became confrontational and kicked his sorry tail all the way to the rare reptile house which coincidentally also houses several
creatures resembling my first cousins.
I told the kids that the man’s fear is what triggered the Gorillas aggression and that anyway a 500 pound Gorilla can sit anywhere he wants and they responded, ”what does that mean’ and I told them I had no idea.
I then transitioned to another Psycho Day at the zoo story. The class kicked back because everybody loves a good story about some stranger;s life spiraling down the staircase of disarray not to mention dissociative
disorder.
Years ago some Loony Tune escapee from a defunct softball league for middle aged alcoholics was walking around the zoo with a duffel bag filled with softballs. He stopped at the natural habitat hippo exhibit otherwise known as lots of dry dirt around a stagnant moat filled with hippo shit.
The man marveled at how often these 5000 pound built low to the ground mammals yawned and how wide their mouths opened. He could see all the way to the back of the throat. Most of us just look away.
“O.K how bout a little bingo- bango here for you hippos, ”the man yelled.
“What do you say? Let’s hear a little hippo chatter out there!” The man was throwing softballs at hippos trying to get one to make a catch like a 5000 pound soft bite retriever. Finally, there was a direct hit but
the ball rolled to the top of the hippo’s airway choking off the oxygen supply.
“The hippos lips turned blue and he rolled over and died, ”I told the class. They immediately burst out laughing but I didn’t mean for it to be a funny story “You’re sick,” one kid said. “Hippos don’t have lips” blurted some girl who was checking out her five layers of makeup in a compact mirror.
“Hippos do have lips,” I said. “I pointed to some a boy named Kris and said, ”What are you doing just sitting there? Get out of here and don’t come back until you have a picture of a hippopotamus and I don’t mean a group photo of the cafeteria ladies.”
The class gave me a “you’re so wrong” stare and Kris hit the boogie woogie hallway and never came back but like the guy next to the silverback I had already forgotten who and where I was.
The next day I was at the cash register in the cafeteria hoping I wouldn’t be charged extra for my round mound of gooey and hard crusted beffaroni.
“Hippopotamus ey?” “What”” I responded to the lady with the British accent working the off register. “Hippopotamus ey?” “Whatever, ”I said. “I don’t know if I much like being compared to a Hippopotamus, ”she said very Monty Phython.
“I don’t blame you I wouldn’t either, ”I said walking away. I didn’t get far before I remembered. I turned around and looked at her but all I could say was, ”Holy Christ! I am a dead man!”
The next morning I walked into the work area of the cafeteria and made an announcement. “I have something to say ladies! Please gather around.”
The came from their stations but kept a safe distance like natives from the Congo observing a white guy for the first time.
“There’s this story going around that I referred to the cafeteria ladies as a bunch of hippos when I was teaching one of my classes. Well I’m here to tell you that the story is absolutely true. There ain’t nothing worse than some big bull walrus backtracking and denying he called people hippos. If I could fabricate a good lie I would get after one. But I’m pretty much dead meat on this issue. I meant no offense! I could just as easily made fun of myself as anyone else. It’s not personal. Please don’t try to poison me.”
The all looked at me like ”I thought this guy was supposed to be funny?” And then they walked back to their stations. I poured myself a cup of coffee, pretended to pay for it and headed back to class.” But that was not that as it almost never is!
A few months later on New Years Day I led a charge of 300 polar bears into the Atlantic Ocean. I must also add that the Catholic Feast Day of the Circumcision is and always has been a slow news day. “We’re going to celebrate what?”
My phone was ringing off the hook on January 2. My most unusual call came from the Cape Gazette newspaper office where a bunch of my colleagues were screaming towards the phone. “Beluga! Beluga!”
There was an ongoing story in the state of Delaware that week about a gigantic Beluga Whale that had gotten itself trapped in one of the inland bays. ”I’ve got your sperm whale right here!” I retaliated back into the phone.
“Haven’t you seen the News Journal paper this morning, ”News Editor Steve said? “A color picture of you running into the ocean is taking up the entire front page. You’re not going to be happy!”
But the hippos were happy as were many other locals with acute body dysmorphia who thought they looked better than they actually did. But what could I say? I was Beluga Boy and 750,000 thousand Delawareans were having a big Beluga belly laugh at my expense.
And that should have been that but it almost never is!
That June at the end of the year staff breakfast held on the upper level of Fisherman’s Wharf restaurant overlooking the tidal marsh ( fertile grounds for bewildered belugas and rouge pygmy hippos) I was sniped and snatched out of the dirt like a wild pitch caught by a hippo catcher!
“Now that all the gifts have been handed out to the retirees and teachers of the year, the Happy Hippos of the Cape Cafeteria would like to serenade our chief zoo keeper Mr. Frederick.”
No one in the room knew what Renee was talking about but she was a born entertainer.
“Mr. Frederick things we all look like hippos so when rehearsed this little song for him.”
And then they sang while swaying from side to side. A cuter collection of little hippos had never been seen anywhere. All ages and colors of hippos just retaliating against some teacher smart ass who had it coming and actually was a little flattered. But the other teachers in the room, especially the fat women, were giving me weird looks like, ”if he says things like that in public about lunch ladies what must he say in private about us?”
After the serenade Renee presented my with a watercolor painted by Polish Artist in Residence John Gardowski. The painting had nine colorful hippos floating in a moat all named after the women workers and all with bright red Mick Jaggar lips. And a caption above their heads which read, ”Yes they do have lips!”
That painting proudly hangs in my classroom for two reasons. I’m the only person on the planet to get a John Gardowski painting and not pay for it and most importantly it provides me with a reminder of how cool it was the way those women reacted when they screwed Beluga Boy to the wall in front of the entire staff. And come to think of it I wonder if Renee set up that New Years Day photo?
Note” Renee retired and I gave her the Hippos water color- trust me you don’t want to wallow with hippos in colored water and she in turn gave me a painting of a hippo dressed in an American flag.
