Friday, March 24, 2006
Jungle Cat
HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?
Real men don’t get weighed with their shoes on but they leave their socks on for almost every other type of behavior. And real men don’t care how much they weigh or worry about comparing their weight to someone else or get involved in some sick weight loss contest with loser adult buddies.
I had a “big like me” friend who lost weight and kept asking me how much I weighed and finally I say “around the same as your mother” and he was happy because he said he weighed 20 pounds less than me. And then I caught him one night taking out the garbage in his corduroy shorts. I never realized that I had never seen him in shorts but then I understood why. He looked like a fucking flamingo lawn ornament. He had big tan arms and sickly stick like white legs. He had some gall bladder messing with me.
Did you ever go for a doctor’s appointment then refuse the weigh-in by a nurse? Man, they get weird on you and if you ask them if you can take off your shoes they think its harassment because in their redneck home kitchen that’s a sign that Jim Bob is off the lawn tractor and wants sex.
I was sick as a dog about a dozen year ago and was weighed-in at the doctors office by a tall in shape dark skinned black nurse who said something like, ”Honey, you are built powerful like a Panther.” The scale said 264 and I didn’t like it. A previous record had me listed at 222.
“Honey imagining you at 222 good gracious you would be my black panther do you hear what I’m saying?”
I went and checked in at the hospital for admission now wearing the open flap butt crack formal gown. “A white country nurse said let’s go honey I have to weigh you.” I just got weighed over at the doctor’s office and I’m 264 just put that down.”
“It’s against the rules I have to weigh you.”
So we did it again and I weighed 255. “Now you see honey you just lost 9 pounds walking over here”
“I went upstairs was put in bed an i.v. was stuck in my arm and for the next day I only received antibiotics and nutrients through the portal in my vein. I was allowed to crunch on ice and that was it.
The day I was checking out they took me down the hall for the official check out weigh out. I weighed 231. And for some reason professional women who were nurses kept comparing me to jungle cats. “You built like a Tiger now but can’t be no meat eating Tiger because of that gallbladder but honey what you see here is an artichoke salad.”
You see that’s the way it goes if a rumor starts that you’re some funny guy. Everyone runs shtick on you.
Ten years passed I had a heart exam just to have one. A little Thai doctor named Doctor Budi sat on a stool looked up at me and asked, ”What size sport coat do you wear?” The he took my blood pressure and said, ”You are mildly hypertensive.”
“The fuck I am Budi Budi. Get a bigger cuff and send that one back to pediatrics.”
He re-took my blood pressure and said 112/70 you are in very good shape.” So much for science.
I had a car accident shortly thereafter when I went out the window of the car, slid on the road on my back then came back inside because I was holding onto the trolley car strap in a death grip. My motto,Fit enough to hang on and fat enough to stay inside.”
I went to a surgeon who was going to “debreed” the bear claw wound which made my back look like wide whale corduroy pants.
Step on the scale the guy said. I was frustrated didn’t argue and just left my shoes on, ”Fuck them all.”
Two hundred and twenty two he said carefully writing it down in my chart. I looked at the scale and the big weight needed to be moved over one notch or 50 pounds to the right. “What’s 50 pounds when they’re talking it away from you, ”I thought.
Peace Freddogg
http://www.davefredman.blogspot.com/
Real men don’t get weighed with their shoes on but they leave their socks on for almost every other type of behavior. And real men don’t care how much they weigh or worry about comparing their weight to someone else or get involved in some sick weight loss contest with loser adult buddies.
I had a “big like me” friend who lost weight and kept asking me how much I weighed and finally I say “around the same as your mother” and he was happy because he said he weighed 20 pounds less than me. And then I caught him one night taking out the garbage in his corduroy shorts. I never realized that I had never seen him in shorts but then I understood why. He looked like a fucking flamingo lawn ornament. He had big tan arms and sickly stick like white legs. He had some gall bladder messing with me.
Did you ever go for a doctor’s appointment then refuse the weigh-in by a nurse? Man, they get weird on you and if you ask them if you can take off your shoes they think its harassment because in their redneck home kitchen that’s a sign that Jim Bob is off the lawn tractor and wants sex.
I was sick as a dog about a dozen year ago and was weighed-in at the doctors office by a tall in shape dark skinned black nurse who said something like, ”Honey, you are built powerful like a Panther.” The scale said 264 and I didn’t like it. A previous record had me listed at 222.
“Honey imagining you at 222 good gracious you would be my black panther do you hear what I’m saying?”
I went and checked in at the hospital for admission now wearing the open flap butt crack formal gown. “A white country nurse said let’s go honey I have to weigh you.” I just got weighed over at the doctor’s office and I’m 264 just put that down.”
“It’s against the rules I have to weigh you.”
So we did it again and I weighed 255. “Now you see honey you just lost 9 pounds walking over here”
“I went upstairs was put in bed an i.v. was stuck in my arm and for the next day I only received antibiotics and nutrients through the portal in my vein. I was allowed to crunch on ice and that was it.
The day I was checking out they took me down the hall for the official check out weigh out. I weighed 231. And for some reason professional women who were nurses kept comparing me to jungle cats. “You built like a Tiger now but can’t be no meat eating Tiger because of that gallbladder but honey what you see here is an artichoke salad.”
You see that’s the way it goes if a rumor starts that you’re some funny guy. Everyone runs shtick on you.
Ten years passed I had a heart exam just to have one. A little Thai doctor named Doctor Budi sat on a stool looked up at me and asked, ”What size sport coat do you wear?” The he took my blood pressure and said, ”You are mildly hypertensive.”
“The fuck I am Budi Budi. Get a bigger cuff and send that one back to pediatrics.”
He re-took my blood pressure and said 112/70 you are in very good shape.” So much for science.
I had a car accident shortly thereafter when I went out the window of the car, slid on the road on my back then came back inside because I was holding onto the trolley car strap in a death grip. My motto,Fit enough to hang on and fat enough to stay inside.”
I went to a surgeon who was going to “debreed” the bear claw wound which made my back look like wide whale corduroy pants.
Step on the scale the guy said. I was frustrated didn’t argue and just left my shoes on, ”Fuck them all.”
Two hundred and twenty two he said carefully writing it down in my chart. I looked at the scale and the big weight needed to be moved over one notch or 50 pounds to the right. “What’s 50 pounds when they’re talking it away from you, ”I thought.
Peace Freddogg
http://www.davefredman.blogspot.com/
