Freddogg Off The Chain

Some humor falls into the category I call the cliché cheap shot. The joke is there but it’s old and tired and unimaginative.

Like 30 years ago, I was reporting to work as an Ocean lifeguard in Rehoboth Beach on a hot July afternoon with my good friend Bill who was black the last time I checked. Bill fielded a series of stupid race related jokes from the assholes on the Beach Patrol and finally said to me, ”You know Freddy. Two hundred years of watermelon jokes is enough.”

“And I’ve never seen you with a watermelon, ”I told Bill. ‘Do you feel any particular attraction or pull to that mystical fruit or vegetable or whatever it is?”

“Not really, ”Bill said. “Like anyone else if someone hands me a piece of chilled watermelon with the seeds removed I’m going to eat it.”

‘Right, ”I said. “I remember a day from my childhood when my big assed aunts were excited and agitated simply stating that “Poppy plugged the watermelon and they knew they were getting fucked up.”

I told my big brother “Stop after the potato salad because Poppy plugged the watermelon, that sick bitch.”

I later learned that a plugged watermelon was filled with vodka applied from—not a syringe but hypodermic needle or in the case of my German aunt’s a pachydermic needle. You know you’re an alcoholic when you are plugging a chilled watermelon with a fifth of Sky Vodka. You’re right it does sound like fun what I call the up side of alcohol ruined by all those wife beaters and husband beaters who suffer from addiction and overuse syndrome.

I started this missive wanting to explain my problem with covering this summer’s gay games without taking jokes that were just dropped in front of me like a 16 pound shot on my foot. I mean I could say, “Last call limp wrist shot put” but that’s such a gay joke and anyway I think my Poppy was gay but only his watermelon knew for sure.

Check out www.chicagogaygames.org and you will be impressed. Make sure to click on Rugby to check out the photo. And Greg Louganis Olympic diving champion is on the homo—I mean home page-and who will ever forget him hitting his head on the diving platform and that famous exclamation as he fell into the pool, ”Bitch!”

Peace Freddogg