Freddogg Off The Chain

I am retired from teaching which leads most people to think I’m retired from the work force because my major talent in life is no matter what the job or how many balls I have in the air I always look like I’m doing nothing.

People ask question like “how’s retirement” but they don’t want to stick around for some lame assed change of life philosophical treatise from a 60 year old in the throes of a late life identity crises. And that’s fine because fuck them all anyway.

But when I’m asked “playing a lot of golf” I’m ready to snap like the waist band of polyester stretch-o-matic fat boy pants? I am a sports writer and as such not ambivalent concerning the sport of kings or is that horse racing? What’s the difference, I’m not a horse and I don’t golf, I’m not interested in playing, don’t care to yuk it up with my white boy friends and I’d rather play in the sand trap with a Tonka truck then listen to the leisure time set talk about the latest celebrity tournament, member/guest, low gross or best ball with your buddies outing. “Yep with all the balls out you have the best one but then again you’re a scrotum golfer.”
“I’m a scratch golfer.”
“Hey, do what you want with them.”
I have friends who belong to top clubs that cost 10 grand a year. The better ones cost 25k and I even heard of one that now cost 125k to join and you have to submit a financial state each year to make sure you’re financially solvent and worthy of placing your balls in the auto rotating gentle brush ball cleaner, a special privilege for scratch golfers with disposable income.
“Honey, what’s that device next to our bed?”
I know lots of business deals are closed on golf courses, which means, it’s really work and if that’s the case cut the grass on the fairways with a push mower before you play.
I am of course picking on this sport because I’m no good at it. I’m relegated to being aging gym guy who pushes heavy weights around, talk about work with no result. The only thing lifting weights is good for is lifting more weights.
Just the other night as I struggled to maintain erect equilibrium after getting up off the couch my wife asked, ”did you hurt your back?”
“I guess maybe I did but I really don’t remember.”
“And what’s that little tube next to our bed? It looks like it can hook on a belt loop?”
"I'm a scratch weight lifter now, they sell them at Gold's Gym."

Peace Freddogg