Freddogg Off The Chain

Whatever happened to aunts who were known for their holiday food contributions? I once wrote a story about my fat German Aunts elbow deep in vats of potato salad but they read the story and now they hate me which could only mean they hated me all a long the little doggies.

This is Memorial Day a time to eschew thoughts of positive contributions of any kind in favor of chewing the fat with friends and relatives. Deviled eggs, macaroni and potato salads and artichoke dip. Wet roast beef on hoagie rolls. Rip and tear ham on a plate. Eat the fat it taste the best for a reason. Jewish pickles, no red beats, who brought them?
Brown bottles of beer in metal garbage cans—not trash—garbage cans- hosed out by rubber not gay green vinyl hoses. I want my iced no huggy holder Ortliebs short necked brown bottle to taste like licking the inside of a day old keg and I want it to smell like cabbage and coffee grinds

And who first started saying sentences like Ms Lillie May’s barbeque. Barbeque is not a thing but a thing you do to other things. Language gets stupid and we all copy it. “Would you like some barbeque?” Barbequed what bitch, ”is the proper etiquette response.

You know what’s really scary about relatives? Ones that get along with each other , dominating back yard picnics being all loud and extroverted. I guarantee you in the rest of their life they are judged to be no count personality types.

Wanna play horseshoes while wearing tongs? How about a game of quates? Lawn darts was fun although it was more of a seventies thing and people did die and it would stop a party and somebody did have to pull the dart out of Uncle “Ain’t Happy No More “Harry’s head.

Did you ever ride a 300 pound oiled up Aunt in an above ground swimming pool? Nope me either but my cousin Frogman did but at least it was his mother and Freud may have been weird but he was right about some things.

I am to go sun bath in a webbed chair.

Enjoy your Memorial Day and better yet tell me what you’re about and whether you intend to barbeque and if so please wear sun block.


Peace

Cousin Freddogg