Freddogg Off The Chain

Growing up I wanted to be an airplane pilot. I had an uncle who flew for Allegheny Airlines-now U.S Air-- and twice a week on a run to a small airport in Northeast Philadelphia he would fly over our brand new suburban Cape Cod. It was a green and silver twin prop-no,not the house. Uncle Donnie would tip one way then the other and my mother would always smile like Donnie was crazy and could get in trouble for going off course, dropping down and playing wing tipping games for the amusement of his dumb ass relatives.

I went to the Willow Grove Naval Air Station and stared at Jets. I wanted to land on carriers and get in dog fights. I had airplane stickers on the walls in my room. Whatever happened to Mohawk Airlines?

My uncle once picked me up on a mail stop somewhere near Trenton. I came up into the cockpit and as the plane climbed and Uncle Donnie looked for Route One below. "I just follow the highway to the Two Guys department store then turn left straight into Newark airport ,"he said. "If they close early and turn off the neon I don't know how we'll get there."

I pointed to a flickering light on the instrument panel. "How come that light is doing that, "I asked. "I don't know Donnie said. "But if it comes on and stays on it means we're all going to die."

That's when I learned that just like my mother the nurse loved gallows humor about hospitals and sick people so did her pilot brother love jokes that involved crashing planes and fireballs.

So I did some piper cub flying, a few stall maneuvers, but refused to study my math in school not because it was beyond me but because I was an asshole. I often wondered what would have happened if I had been the guy in the Captain's suit walking through airports my whole life.

My uncle ended up losing his mind and having a mental breakdown throwing large pieces of furniture out of hotel windows when the big Jets came into play because they fly themselves and every pilot knows, fly is a euphemism for fuck.

I remember in his wingless convalescence Donnie was watching the new United Commercial where a sexy stewardess stands in the narrow aisle stretches out her arms puts a hand on each backrest then turns sideways revealing large authentic breasts and says in a soft voice, "Fly Me! Come to United and Fly Me!"

Donnie sat there bug eyed. I was just a kid but I got it. It was scary. The lusting grounded pilot uncle. And how phallic is a plane and no wonder Africans thought they were gods and offered Ivory tusks to placate them.

"Fear of Flying", sounds like a doomsday book. No more flying, no more people,turkey basters not withstanding

I believe I can fly-for the next four hours I can touch the sky..Enough with the jokes!

Peace Captain Freddogg frustrated flier at your service