Freddogg Off The Chain

Aids ain’t funny and I’m not suggesting it is but we do reside in the greatest joke making society in the history of the universe and in the dark corners and back alleyways taboo subjects deliver the best punch lines.

When AIDS was first introduced to the free world –did you just poke me—the two high risk groups were Haitians and Homosexuals. Get out of here with your dumb assed green monkey brains theory.

A theory goes that on luxury cruises to the Caribbean while the heterosexuals delighted in watching poor Haitians youths dive deep for shiny quarters in the clear shark patrolled warm waters rich gays went ashore to take advantage of male prostitution services where all the males for hire looked like Candy Man and spoke in French accents.

Hence the first joke: What’s the worst thing about getting AIDS? Trying to convince your mother you’re a Haitian.

There was the shadow poster of one guy standing behind another like Kobe on a Chamber maid with the universal no sign and the words “Stop Aids.” A student circa 1987 brought that into our high school and was promptly suspended.

Remember Surgeon General Joyce Elders who advised having condoms in middle schools and high schools and told kids their sexual lives should reside somewhere between abstinence and masturbation and that no she never did get caught doing it in the closet to reference an old joke.

Magic Johnson announced he had AIDS spawning the joke “You can even get AIDS with a Magic Johnson” and everyone looked at fruity Isaiah because he and Magic were best buds and kissed like cousins before games but Magic said, ”I must have gotten HIV from a women because I ain’t never been with no man” and it was dropped because Magic is a cultural icon and a truly good person and any journalist seeking a Magic-Butt Pirate link would have a longer life span standing naked at midnight in downtown Kabul shouting “fuck yaw Taliban mother fuckers!”

I was watching public television in bed—honest officer- and there were all these staggering numbers for Africa and India and ironically something called the Bush plan which I believe was nature’s plan in the first place butt lets not go there- and free retroviral drugs were available to about five million people but too bad for the other 300 million.

There were these Indian Truck drivers who looked like NFL linebackers in turbans. Evidently it’s lonely out there in the hinterlands so these heterosexual guys often have anal sex with each other and seemed genuinely surprised to learn they were at risk for AIDs saying on camera “No one ever told us.” Now how many dumb assed Indians have your ever met? Not many but evidently they are driving trucks instead of providing round the clock computer tech support for Hewlett Packard.

Some Tech guy from India helping me update my Norton software-potential puns lurk everywhere- got frustrated and said, ”I must say your computer is very very slow.”

“If I get to your supervisor you’ll be washing elephants tomorrow is what I must say” then he broke bad and told me he used to drive trucks and I asked him if was sitting on one of those wooden taxi driver cushions and it just went down from there so to speak.

Human sexual behavior possibly seeks perversion to enhance excitement and nature is leaving a calling card and thinning the herd. It is sad, it is tragic, no one deserves this virus and we all have stared in its face.

I know jokes so offensive I will not even write them here. And so do you. A former student of mine blamed the high school for not educating him as to the high risk behaviors that may cause AIDS. Let me say he was not an intravenous drug user, did not have a transfusion and was not Haitian.

I have stood in front of many classes of coed teenagers without an approved manual of instruction and I’m not comfortable talking to them about the sexual predilections of Indian truck drivers or the Haitian male prostitution business.

Here in Rehoboth Beach there are entire beaches dedicated to gays some for men and others for women. One is even called Poodle Beach. And remember you can’t catch the virus from a mosquito because of anticoagulants but seashore mosquitoes are big enough to be monitored by AWAC aircraft and the “you can’t catch it from a mosquito theory" only works until it no longer works and then we are all hosts I mean toast.

Professor Freddog Kicking the Real!