Freddogg Off The Chain

Retrospectively hilarious but judged against the wisdom of age not funny at all. That’s the way it is with true stories from our childhood that are uproariously improbable and there in lies the theory of The Intelligent Design flaw. Man is made in the image and likeness of god but only god is perfect therefore mortal man is fucked up in highly sophisticated ways through a complex series of infinite permutations deviating from perfection. The universe is within us and god is steady laughing because I know that’s what I’d be doing.

Big brother Tom was a 20 year old 6’5” 270 pound Penn State tackle back in 1964 so when he was accepted for a summer job at the private residential Wood Schools in Langhorne, Pa, an exclusive facility for the exotically afflicted and disturbed, they knew to place him in a special program to capitalize on his size and the humanitarian nature of his personality.

“You will be with the Prader-Willies each day, ”Tom was told. “There are only four of them, average age 25, height five feet and they weigh four hundred and fifty pounds. They are intelligent and devious, levels beyond clinical gluttony, and their sole purpose in life is the acquisition of calories which they don’t need because they’re hypo active, hypotonic with hypogonadism”. Tom responded, “Ah yes, the dreaded three H’s.”

And so everyday it was Big Tom and the Four Rhinos of the Apocalypse. They would trick and deceive him to find ways to get more food or paper products whatever it took. The Prader Willies are like failed lab experiments caused by genes falling off a chromosome after conception resulting in the hypothalamus singling and convincing the cerebral cortex that the immense body below needs more fuel.

Tom was talented and compassionate and didn’t take their lying personally and was at peace when they would physically tantrum spinning like frictionless orbs on a linoleum floor. There was no way to dead lift a spinning Prader to erect posture you just had to wait them out.

But through July and into the fourth week of August a miracle had taken place as each young man had lost significant but not noticeable weight. Big Tom was using behavior modification and the reward was a trip to the drug store in Langhorne where each Prader Willi would get an ice cream soda followed by a candy bar to go.

Big Tom drove the short bus back before short buses were cool with each team member taking up a corner for balance. The trip to town proper was six miles and couldn’t be flown by a crow with Prader Willi syndrome he would have to ride the short bus as well.

Tom and his platoon of planets rolled into the small town drug store and up to the counter. The clientele of regular run of the mill losers reacted in bug eyed astonishment. Tom tells the story that four of them sat on eight stools ordered ice cream sodas and drank them down in surprising civility.

“I took them over to the candy aisle told them to pick out one bar so we could go, ”Tom said.

He didn’t notice that the four men had fan tailed out to different quadrants od candyland down two aisles and on a pre agreed gastric signal they attacked.

‘They just dove into boxes of candy knocked them onto the floor and threw themselves on top of them. I’d touch one and he’d start screaming and spinning in a 500 pound tantrum,” Tom said.

The store emptied and the state police arrived, this is well before K9 units and mace. Tom and the cops just stood back helplessly hoping it would stop. It did not.

The Specialists from the Woods School arrived in a big white laundry truck. Two dispassionate personality types with big arms rolled out a human jack complete with overhead boom and under carcass canvas sling.

“They jacked them up one at a time, rolled them up a metal ramp into the truck and just dropped them, ”Tom said. “The tantrums stopped immediately because that’s what happens when dreams are chased then captured.”

Postscript: I've told that story hundreds of times in my teaching career embellishing parts and leaving out others. Amazingly it is a true story. Prader Willi Syndrome even sounds kind of funny but then again so does "back off Crack Baby" but neither is funny. Three years ago while at A.I. DuPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington I saw a notice for a meeting of Parents of Prader Willies. Jesus somewhere in my head I never thought any of it was real.

Peace Freddogg