Monday, June 05, 2006
Uncooked Biscuits
http://www.geocities.com/bjaes.geo/lyrics/boardwlk.htmTanning is stupid and dangerous and anyway only young white people tan older folk just weather. You can see it in the cracks of their faces.
But those indoor white urbanites who hit the beach in late August, looking like uncooked biscuits fresh out of the cylinder, now they are some scary looking people.
And I’ll tell you something else, sitting on the beach all day is not relaxing and is not fun, its moronic and driven by vanity because there are black biting flies and green headed nasty bitches and no-see-ems and even flesh eating lady bugs while the Mid Atlantic ocean is steel gray sucko, always too cold and harbors not only sea nettles but sea lice and also your basic curse of fu-man-chu crud which ends up on your face if you decide to do the Australian Crawl to impress nobody. And my favorite expression, which entices me to ride waves endlessly, “well below acceptable levels of fecal chloroform.”
I wear white socks all the time so when I go to the beach I look like a two legged show horse. If I were a chocolate lab the Westminster crowd would boo me out of Madison Square Garden.
And you don’t see many black people on the beach in the middle of the day and they know why because darkness is an issue among many of them and how ironic that black people Get after blacks for getting too black and white people make fun of crackers who are too white.
I was a beach lifeguard and I loved turning a golden brown color as my leg hairs were bleached white. Now I’m just ruddy I call it the row house roof tan when just a little sun turns all the embedded soot to a Williamsburg Bracken House Brown. I’m a regular paint chip.
Yesterday my 6 year old granddaughter Katie asked me if I had an” innie or an outey?” I told her she’s need a miners helmet to check out the knot in my navel and that one time a grape seed took root in there and I only wish I had been kidding her.
How about it, Do you like to tan your Hyde or when the sun comes out would you just rather hide?
Freddogg under the boardwalk
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Play that funky music white boy...I used to "bake" myself covered in baby oil as did my female friends. Now, I coat myself in spf 5000 and wear sunglasses to prevent the wrinkles forming under my eyes from becoming a tourist attraction rivaled only by the Grand Canyon. I "date" if you can call it that, an idiot who goes to the "tanning bed" 3 times a week. He's short, goofy and stupid...of course that's why I date him, I only date idiots. Why he goes to tan himself I will never understand. It does no good at all, he's still ugly, short and goofy, only now he's still all that, but with a tan. I think he's just a vain little fool.If he wants a tan, why doesn't he get it like most men...outside.Little freak. I can't stand prissy,vain little men!!!!! I would like to turn up the "heat" on his tanning bed, fry his ass and serve him with gravy,biscuits and a side order of cole slaw.
# posted by 
: 3:57 PM
: 3:57 PM
gooooOOOOH Fredman! Love that you now have attached a music to your writing. Love it!
Now as for tanning, I am with you. I am now lathering up like crazy. Now that I have kids I have turned into the crazy mom at the beach who keeps calling the kids to repaint them every few minutes. My husband is the guy who never uses anything then burns his neck and even worse his balding head. Nothing is more sexy than a guy who asks you to smear aloe all over his head. But that is not as fun as when you miss a spot. You know the spot- the little cross section on your back where you miss both over the sholder and around the back? Doesnt it seem like all of the burn that you would have gotten all over is then concentrated on the one spot? It is like a little triangle of burn from hell.
Now as for tanning, I am with you. I am now lathering up like crazy. Now that I have kids I have turned into the crazy mom at the beach who keeps calling the kids to repaint them every few minutes. My husband is the guy who never uses anything then burns his neck and even worse his balding head. Nothing is more sexy than a guy who asks you to smear aloe all over his head. But that is not as fun as when you miss a spot. You know the spot- the little cross section on your back where you miss both over the sholder and around the back? Doesnt it seem like all of the burn that you would have gotten all over is then concentrated on the one spot? It is like a little triangle of burn from hell.
# posted by : 4:50 PM
: 4:50 PM
One more thing. Back in the late eighties, I worked for Super Star Recording Studio down on the Boardwalk in Rehoboth. If I had a nickle for every sunburnt tourist who came in and sang under the boardwalk, I still would hate them all.
# posted by : 4:53 PM
: 4:53 PM
These are funny anonymous comments. If I wrote something that funny I'd want to take credit.
Let's face it people are just fucked up and so insecure.
Under The BOardwalk is where you found the 1960's black people from North Philly vacationing in Atlantic City an dit was just the best place and still is-no not north philly nor Atlantic City but under the boardwalk and piers and shit with the tide rolling in and god bless Wildwood and the freaking Wild Mouse which one day jumped the monorail and a poor tourist rode a giat metal mouse to his deep diving death and how can you say there's no god?
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Let's face it people are just fucked up and so insecure.
Under The BOardwalk is where you found the 1960's black people from North Philly vacationing in Atlantic City an dit was just the best place and still is-no not north philly nor Atlantic City but under the boardwalk and piers and shit with the tide rolling in and god bless Wildwood and the freaking Wild Mouse which one day jumped the monorail and a poor tourist rode a giat metal mouse to his deep diving death and how can you say there's no god?
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