Freddogg Off The Chain

Frankie the Philly row house patrol cop rolled down Hemberger Street at 8 a.m.flanked by four story crack houses with the occasional urban homesteading revitalization Yuppy Dens of Ostentatious Arrogance. Frankie hated them all from the dark skinned to tan to Casper white.
The long tunnel effect gave Frankie an awakened sense of an attitude nightmare like he was looking into a parallel universe of lawless insanity overridden by the general stupidity of stoop dwellers, home slices that couldn’t put a fucking sentence together without saying mother fucker double digit times.
Bulging Frankie looked like a black leather donut in sunglasses and hat. He could care less if these skinny bastards smoked crack or sold it to suburban drive buyers. But he didn’t like the arrogance of an Orange BMW with tinted glass “bumping the bass” on a slow drive through the neighborhood. He didn’t like the homemade vanity plate with said “Tupper Mother.” He decided to pull the car over and get ready to listen to all the “profiling bullshit” like “how come he didn’t pull over the snowflakes in the Churkee?”

Alonzo was a menace and his fat shotgun friend was Andy Divine as a black man but half as tough. Frankie’s light spun around followed by some siren pulses then the speaker, ”pull over asshole.”

“Asshole? Did that mother fucker just say ‘pull over asshole’” ?

Alonzo got out walked back to Frankie’s car jumped up on the hood and empties a clip into his body through the windshield. Andy Divine was way gone experiencing the same shock as the late Frankie.

Alonzo had lost his mind and rushed into a vacant house knowing that hell itself was on its way to light his ass up.

Alonzo went through an attic opening and was the much sought after black cat on a hot tar roof. He had transitioned from cold blooded killer to “sniveling scaredy cat” in a matter of minutes.

Cops came from everywhere and blocked off the street. They were armed, their weapons cocked and loaded. Crack Heads hid in actual plaster cracks because all they knew was somebody black was going to get shot.

Alonzo slithered on his belly slugging along without a plan. He traveled over a flush mount skylight then crashed into the occupied claw foot tub below right on top of some fat assed big breasted bath oiled white woman. The room was steam filled all around with zero visibility.

The woman screeched a volume 10 cut through steel scream! Alonzo was more scared than the buoyant bimbo as he processed a problem with no good solution. Deductive reasoning didn’t fit the profile of the impulsive killer.

He clamored and banged against shit looking for a door. Finally he found a can of hairspray and started spraying his entire head. Then he set himself on fire.”

Yuppy Momma found the door for a narrow and naked escape and the steam chased after her and so did “Toasted Almond Man” as the cops would later call him.

First Naked Came the Stranger screaming and steaming out the front door soon followed by a running man on fire from the neck up.

The cops on the street employed all their specialized training and everyone said the same thing at the same time. “What the fuck?”

Frantic woman was safely in the hands of a police woman at least that’s what he said he was.

Flaming Alonzo’s legs was swept from underneath him—KaBOB jokes were plentiful- as cops just circled and watched him scream and punch himself to death.

Alonzo melted away to his parallel universe on the far side of socialized sanity. A police Captain earned the respect of all his men as his stood over the body and said,”Thank god it’s Fryday”!


**say it didn’t happen but I’m afraid it did!