Freddogg Off The Chain

A green thumb is a good thing but for a guy could mean he is gay in a purple trumpet sort of way. A green pocket of light green infection at the end of an index finger producing red streaks through the palm of my hand was most likely a bad thing, all throbbing digit jokes aside, so I took myself to the Boo Boo Hospital emergency room which is under construction complete with a giant vacuum system for removing harmful carcinogens from the internal atmosphere other wise known as the air.

I tend to present injuries where the hardened people who work in Emergency rooms respond with “Yuk! What is that?”

I proudly responded during intake interview that I was not allergic to anything, that I did not take any prescription medication, and that I was in perfect health. I also said “NO” to “do you drink alcohol” figured they meant the kind you rub on your body for what reason I never figured but every household has a bottle in case someone figures it out.

I was tagged with a raspberry colored bracelet which I joked looked like a Homo Tracking Device—not that there’s not a need for that.

I took my seat among the infirm. There was a young white couple with 2 week old “trashy baby” I’m sorry I know that’s wrong but mom was wearing gray sweat pants and white tee shirt and drinking a non diet fruity soda while pony tailed dad was all “Yo Boyed” out with untied hiking boots and Orlando Magic hat turned backwards and eating a bologna sandwich on white bread.

And there was one young black man who soon was joined by two younger boys then three older women then a much older couple then two hospital workers then some left and others came- one woman wearing a drywall mask-then He left and did not come back and I was confused but I knew when black people do the emergency room thing it usually extends many generations out to the third cousin level and also neighbors.

A you pasty white girl rolled in pushed by her concerned mother. She had dirty blond hair as in dirty which matched her clothes. She was hunched over making noises into a barf bag. No one paid any attention to her so I figured her performance was as common as a Seinfeld rerun.

I then realized that the bag was to capture carbon dioxide which helps stave off the oxygen overload dizziness that comes from hyperventilation brought on by anxiety attacks. I was going to smack her hard then shout “Shut up! Your o.k. Stop being a hyper vigilant alarmist. We’re all going to die!

Christine a former student and ER nurse smiled and invited me into the back where injured, sick and those who imagine they’re both awaited a visit from “Tom” who I guess was a doctor but would have been better cast in a Holiday Inn commercial.

Tom said the “needle” word and I suggested aspiration and then he said scalpel and I suggested scrapple and then the black nurse who was a Jesus loving sweet person said Tetanus shot and I said “My Ass” and she said “No your arm would do fine.”

I did overhear a woman in the hallway on a gurney say she had MS, Acid Reflux, Restless Leg Syndrome along with a number of contagions visiting her host body. I was going to suggest a private room for her and the P & P diet.

“What’s the P & P diet, Dr. Fredman”?

“Pancakes and Peppermint Paddies”

“What good are pancakes and peppermint paddies going to do me?”

“None, but they’re the only things that will slide under the door.”

“Paging Dr. Freddogg”!