Freddogg Off The Chain

There is a gay high school in The Village in New York City. Last year two males dressed as females during Homo Coming Spirit week enticed some leering skeezer dude to the curb with their alluring body language then kicked his ass and took his wallet. And that is why I believe in a god who is interactive and a heaven filled with laughing Saints.

This is the Homecoming season and quite frankly I have never gotten it even when I was in high school. I was always acutely aware that Homecoming and Spirit Week and the stupid game simply alienated 70 percent of the student body sending their fat bellies to the Friday Night Lighted hoagie shop parking lots where they could discuss physical relationships with other immoralists in their peer group.

Last year a very sincere Irish soccer player who had been suspended for paying a fat kid to belly flop from a landing onto a lunch table and I’m sure it was all the way hilarious asked me to be Parade Marshall leading homecoming floats through the main street of town the following Friday night.

My wife said I should be honored but I felt it was “camp humor” like Adam West playing Batman on 1960’s television. People along the parade route were neck snapping saying “Is that Fredman in the Corvette convertible? What’s he doing in the parade?”

And so I started talking to the crowd saying, ”My car broke down on the way back from Happy Hour. I’m just catching a ride.”

There is an entire week of dress up stuff and it’s pretty funny until adults try to turn in into something positive and meaningful like "Dress for Success Day" to replace "Bum Day" like suddenly after 50 years of societal sarcasm it’s no fun to make fun of Bums. Why not “Dress like a Dork Day? How about “I Smell Like Kerosene and Wood Smoke Day”? “Crack Head Day” would be hilarious and maybe “Deadbeat Dad Day”.

A few years ago Cheerleaders were running amuck through the halls painting faces in blue and gold. Kids had the year of their graduation on their faces and there was glitter everywhere. I allowed a girl to paint 19 on one cheek and 64 on the other. Then she realized she was interacting with “The Mummy” and let out a cute and very honest “Oew Yuk”.

“Atlas Shrugged” because I ain’t in high school and they can’t hurt me no matter how hard they don’t try. Off to the hoagie shop parking lot which is how I roll!

Peace Freddogg

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