Freddogg Off The Chain

I was getting tired of Mr. Murphy the lay geometry teacher at Bishop Egan High school dropping jokes on my 10th grade ass. Murphy couldn’t stand me because I was a conceited and arrogant sophomore sensation in football and basketball who never cracked a book but I cold trump his lame ass gay jokes and gays weren’t even invented in 1962.

“Ptolemy and gone tomorrow, Hey Murphy? Didn’t I see you in the back row of the movie theater with you friend Pythagoras—maybe I said Pyfagoras – but it was just a Geometry joke.

“What I don’t understand Frederick is why you know enough to crack wise but not enough to solve a problem.”

“Me cracking wise is your problem Murphy more or less than some prime number multiplied by 2 which is always divisible by 2.”

I had no idea what I was talking about but the football coach warned me,”they were talking about you in the faculty room. Murphy said if you don’t get at least a 90 on the Friday test you are failing for the marking period. He says you are hovering right around 70. Do you want to tell me why that is the case?”

“Sure coach. I cheat.”

“Yea well you better do a better job of it and he said he is going to watch you like a hawk.”

“Oh, that’s original. So the game is on.”

Now I could play games so I went over to my Uncle Tony’s house. Tony was a construction Forman who drank whiskey and smoked non filtered Luckies-no college just a real guy laying out sewer lines across Philly-doing real trig and Geometry in the everyday work a day world and I wish I would shut up.

Tony mentored me and I took it like a man because he was a real man not some Geometry teacher earning minimum wage. I don’t think I ever tried to learn something and gave up. I usually give up before starting.

So on a Friday there was this 20 problem test with each problem getting more difficult. I was sitting right in the middle of the room surrounding by three guys who would all go on to Ivy League colleges on academic scholarships.

They were surprised I wasn’t long necking around trying to pick off their answers and, in fact, when I sat back finished I saw Tony Paglione’pick off my number 20 then pass it on to the other angst ridden high achievers.

“Ain’t that some shit,” I thought. “And that is the way the world sometimes plays which is why I preferred to shoot baskets and take stupid intellectuals to the basket who always go for the fake."

Murphy came in to class on Monday looking like the cat who swallowed Uncle Harry. He handed back the tests then asked all those with 100’s to stand up.

Four guys in the middle of the room ascended to stardom. The class erupted in applause. “That’s it, I’m not saying anything, ”Murphy said.

The three cheaters sat down but I remained standing.
“Do you have something to say Fredericks? Perhaps, an admission of contrition?”

“I just want to say that it’s pretty obvious these other three guys cheated.”

I never got such a big laugh for speaking a simple truth.

My grandmother always said, ”Take the joke then sit down and shut up.”

Freddogg