Freddogg Off The Chain

Some people mumble when they talk others mumble when they don’t want to talk. Then there are the dead on parroting mimics not to be confused with the lazy assed speech slang and slurs which hide the reality that someone may be a dumb ass.
Throw on top of that that talking through the nose pompous delivery of public radio types and you have a typical day at a public high school.
I was an expert at deciphering mumbled slang interlaced with profanity because all you really have to do is hang back and pick out a few key words like gym and mother fucker.
“Yo Fred diesel like hit me wit a pass to the mother fucken gym cause I ain’t trying to stay all up in here messin wit fractions and other dumb shit.”
The words read are much like the words spoken except the above sentence would be just one long word.
My response, “no you can’t go to the gym” would be met with, ”ain't nobody listening anyway to no math from no dumb fat cock sucking white mother fucker” again delivered as one word and my response would be, ”Who Are you calling fat?” and back in my younger days I would run the riff,”Did I miss something? Did your mother walk into the room when I wasn’t looking?” but then too many people got correct and accountable so it was no longer appropriate to “play back” but mumbling is valuable because “you’re mother’s a beast“ mumbled, scores points but you can always deny it and claim, ”Oh yea, I’m a teacher like I’m going to say something like that.”
High school kids mumble to save face while staying out of confrontational trouble with teachers which they always lose because the way the system is set up they are always wrong.
‘Bark like a puppy one more time Mikey dog and you are leaving this pound called Geography for the Criminally Insane and you won’t be back in here for a week and I don’t care what the office says.”
Mumble mumble garble garble interlaced with jive assed mother fucker can be discerned in low base tones. This message is not meant to be heard but is the adolescent‘s way of saving face. An experienced self assured teacher will just let it go but the control freaked idiots escalate the situation but challenging “what did you just say?”
“I didn’t say nothing.”
“You didn’t say nothing? Oh, I think you did. Now if you want to appear so bad in front of your friends than have the courage to say what you think out loud instead of mumbling.”
“I didn’t say nothing Bitch! Can you hear that? “
‘Everyone in the class responds, ”Right on! We sure enough heard it!”
Then there is the kid who will parrot exactly what you say but go into that dorky white voice that every comedian uses when developing a white character.
“Now everyone stop talking and turn around and take out your books and I mean it.”
A kid who repeats those words in dork toned clarity will get actually applause from the class. Then it is back in the teachers face. The wrong response is “Are you mocking me?” The job ending response is “Bobby did your mother have any kids that lived?”
Once I had this exchange student Swedish girl and right before lunch I begged her to say “Today for lunch is flying saucers and beffaroni and don’t forget to pay for it,” in Swedish. She did and sounded exactly like the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Movie.
A tall, fit and handsome black kid named Marvin with a big personality rolled out of his desk and onto the floor he was laughing so hard. The girl never talked in Swedish again even when she returned home.
But god got Marvin later with a little help from me because that is my destiny. About a week after the Swedish Chef incident Marvin was in the men’s room out of my class and someone with sized 14 shoes was sitting in the stall next to him. A student in all innocence looked under the doors of the two stalls and asked, ”Hey Marvin, who is that sitting next to you?”
Marvin didn’t hesitate, ”Big Foot!”

Big Foot was a 6’5” overly foot sensitive teacher who most students called Lurch when he was out of ear shot. Lurch snagged Marvin by the collar and dragged him to the office and the incident report was ugly but mostly bizarre.

A week later just before lunch Marvin asked me for a pass to the bathroom. “You want a bathroom pass,” I said slowly, loudly and deliberately. I had everyone’s attention.
I reached into my desk drawer and pulled out a jig sawed cut out of a giant foot.

The Swedish girl hit the floor and so did everyone else. I wanted Marvin to laugh too but he was lost in an embarrassment I didn’t anticipate. I apologized to Marvin which only made it funnier. So I stuck the foot in my mouth and got even bigger laughs.

Mumble in the Jungle

Freddogg