Freddogg Off The Chain

"Stand By Me" Vern Speaks to his 12 year old buddies. "I have a cousin and she's real fat and they say it's because of a hiboy gland. I don't know anything about no hiboy gland but boy what a blimp!"


Cats are stealth and mysterious and cool and calculating and hardly ever make a mistake. That is why when our domesticated miniature jungle slayer walks across the braided rug when like to drag our foot and make him jump. There ain’t nothing like taking the cool straight out Morris and calling him a "dumb ass."

Those of us who have lived with cats have all had occasion to see them miss the hop up on to a wet formica counter and fall back onto their back on a tile floor. Even little kids with no training will erupt in laughter because slap stick is spontaneous, we don’t have to think about it.

Talk to a group of fourth graders and let some lard ass sneak pass gas, either LBH or SBD. You may be quick “who stepped on a frog out there” or “who brought the hard boiled eggs” but they have gone over to the land of fart jokes and if it’s close to Thanksgiving they will all have grandparent stories especially if a youngish and fit grandmom, protected by potholders on each hand and looking like a field hockey goalie, is bent over and lifting a 22 pound bubbling turkey out of the over when suddenly it sounds like a circus balloon is flying around the room. ‘Grandmom I don’t like turkey anymore.” “Oh all turkeys sound like that when they’re running out of gas."

I do lots of microphone work. I’m a low waged pro at it. I know if there is a mispronunciation you just stop, take a breath, and say it correctly. Amateurs make a babbling sound with their tongue sticking out like Goofy having a seizure.

Sometimes I’ll say something and my voice just won’t be there so it cracks and sounds wimpy. I usually follow that moment with a deep announcer’s voice “and that was when Fredman Turned Gay.”

Now if you mispronounce a simple message “Ladies and gentleman please welcome the 2006 Cape Henlopen Marching Gland…pause..breath..BAND! You are the "cat off the counter" because the crowd just ain’t letting you back to the land of cool.

Can you remember an embarrassing moment-it requires at least one witness-and how you handled it?

Freddhogg—I mean Dogg

Note: New Puppy is Darby which is Gaelic for Darby named after wife’s paternal great grandfather on grandmothers side but not in a bad way