Freddogg Off The Chain

Once I was kicked in the head during a football game and the coach asked me, ”Do you think you have a concussion?” and I responded, ”I don’t know? Is that a trick question?”

I hardly ever missed work when I was a teacher but once I called the “substitute lady” and said, ”I won’t be in tomorrow.” And she asked “Are you sick?” And I said, ”I don’t know, define sick. You mean stay in the bed and mope around inside the house sick? Or low energy not motivated sick? All I know is I won’t be there and I guess if there is a category for sick then check it off but I still may go to the gym because it is through physical exertion that I assure myself that I’m not going to die because as long as I can lift heavy weights I am still destined to live although I may be sick at any given moment but who cares I ain't no baby."

I missed a football practice on a Tuesday of game week when I was at Temple and I could actually see the team running around from the 10th floor of my dorm room. ‘Tell them I’m sick, ”I asked my roommate and running back John to tell the coaches.

“Are you sick, ”he asked. “I must be , ”I said. “But I ain’t crying about it and I refuse to sound like it. So if I say it, can’t that be enough? Can we skip the act?” John responded like a true friend, ”I really don’t fucking care. If you want to be sick or think you’re sick that’s your business.”

I was recently recruited to come back to emcee the Punkin Chunkin event that draws 20 thousand people. I did it for 10 years and I think I was pretty good, the right blend of humor and shut up intelligent, but not too smart, lovable in a dumb ass sort of way.

I told the president I didn’t want to do it and he asked why and I said, ”I don’t know, I just don’t. “

Don’t you think we all spend too much time making lame excuses for not showing up and not doing things but the bottom line is “we just don’t want to go to work or practice or emcee events” they are times we just like to "slug a bug on a braided rug."

Once a 320 pound woman buried elbow deep in the chrome cookie dough churner looked at me with beads of sweat pouring down her neck and asked “Is it hot in here or is it me?”

There was no good answer so I did the old, ”Is that a trick question?” and she said, ”was that supposed to be funny” and I said, “no” but grabbed her arm and licked off some dough and said “but that was” and I think she liked it because who wouldn’t?

I don’t know.

Freddogg