Freddogg Off The Chain

How many times in your life have you heard something as clear as a church bell and responded with “what?” or maybe “you’re kidding?” or perhaps “have long have I been a what?”

It’s what I call the “no freaking way” principle and basically items and occurrences which don’t fit into the natural order of our world or things that will disrupt that order we spontaneously deny their reality.

Back in 1966 I was sitting at a doctor’s desk wearing jockey shots. I had a canvas bag contained no valuables tied around my neck. It was the final exit from the pre induction army physical. This drafted physician with a bad attitude looked across at my recently degraded for three hours young and fit self and asked, ”How long have you been a faggot?”

If I had been cool and prepared I’d have said, ”I don’t know, what time is it?”

But instead I did the predictable, ”How long have I been a what?” It turns out on my medical form I had checked yes for homosexual because I was in the wrong column so I also answered that I was a woman susceptible to cramping.

Like the time in seventh grade when mother superior called me out in the hall and asked me, ”So Mr. Frederick maybe you can tell me?”

“Sure I’ll tell you. Tell you what?”

“What is a boner?” (Are you starting to catch on?)

“What is a what?”
Turns out some loser kid was setting me up telling the nun I was teaching him dirty words at recess. I,of course, have no memory of ever being that guy and maybe under therapy all my repressions will come out and I will discover that back in grammar school I was, in fact, “boner man.”

Here’s a question I hate. A person walks up and says, “Have you heard about Bobby?”

I always respond, ”No, goodbye!” because I know something happened to Bobby and it ain’t good, in fact, probably catastrophic, so if I don’t hear it then maybe it didn’t happen.

I recently lost weight and people carefully approach because I’m 60 and weight loss could be a sign of sickness or health and they asked, ”You've lost weight?” I just nod an say “Crack addiction.” And they say “what?” and I just walk away Renee.

Peace Faggy Freddy Doggy