Freddogg Off The Chain

“Are you crazy Charlie?”
“Sure I’ll be crazy if you want me too.”
Are you the devil Charlie? “
“Sure I’ll be the devil if you want me to. I’ll be anything you want but if I get up there on that highway I’m going to start my new life by whuppin the dog shit out of you.”

San Quentin interview Geraldo and Charles Manson


I was interviewed on a late afternoon a.m.radio station some years back about the Lewes Polar Bears, a club I started that goes into the Ocean five times a winter and is part of a big fund-raiser for Delaware Special Olympics.

‘So you’re the Papa Bear, ’the host asked me.

“Sure I’ll be the Papa Bear if you want me to.”

Then the phone calls started coming in and I was instantly cold water authority and talked of endorphines and warm blood rushing to the trunk which is why your feet hurt and mind over matter”if you don’t mind it don’t matter” and the big woman who fell under and her top came down”attack of the frozen jello molds” and how I helped her up and she never said “top of the morning boobala” and I was just so witty and clever and such a loser boy for being on that lame station.

Then an authoritative voice obviously belonging to a local and lonely nut case came on the air.

“I have a question, not for the Papa Bear but for the Teacher Man.”

“Are you the Teacher Man,”asked the host?

“Sure I’ll be the Teacher Man if you want me to.”

Mr. Teacher Man, there have been only five pure democracies in the history of the world. Can you tell me what they were, afterall you do make a living being Teacher Man?

Incredibly I was instantly panicked like I had been outted as an imposter which I mostly am but aren’t we all? I had some ideas but didn’t like the thought that some clown educated at the Donut Connection was putting me on the back pedal.

“Yo man, this ain’t College Bowl,” I said. “Shouldn’t you be busy changing the oil on your 12 year old Craftsman underpowered riding mower? Don’t you have a weed whacker to restring, perhaps you can re-hang your yard implements on the workshop pegboard by progressive handle length?”

“But seriously,”I went on and the host was nervous,”have you read Firth’s ethnography on the Reindeer Chuckchee from the Kamchatka Peninsula of Eastern Russia?”

“Actually, no I haven’t”

“Because if you had you would know there were six pure democracies but only the Chuckchee—not to be confused with Chuckie Cheese- used a fat virgin to bite the testicles off a reindeer at the start of the winter solstice fetility ritual and the demoracy stayed pure because both the Virgin and the reindeer be liken it."

Pagans always had the best rituals.

‘Sure I’ll be the reindeer if you want me to.”

Peace Professor Freddogg