Freddogg Off The Chain

Teddy Forest had taken one too many nun beat downs over eight grades so when Sister Saint Frustration of the order of the Immaculate Heartless swooped down aisle three for the purpose of implanting permanent hand prints on Teddy’s face, the boy who suffered from extreme erectile dysfunction, having previously been ordered to keep his hands on his desk or have his pockets sewn shut, sprung up and bolted towards the gym.
“Hey Habit”! I screamed as Nun on the Run gave instant hot pursuit before the trail went cold.
I needed to see the resolution of this unlikely chase because even at 13, I knew my purpose on the planet was to bear witness to the follies and foibles of full speed women dressed as predatory penguins.
I’m not a huge fan of slapstick comedy but when it happens in reality where it ain’t supposed to be the least bit funny, it can be deadly disabling.
Teddy ran into the gym onto a newly polished,buffed and glaringly clean linoleum floor and ran the direct hypotenuse line to the exit door along the opposite wall. He forearm shivered the metal handle but the door was on lock and Teddy crumbled like a Corvair head on into an out of commission World War Two Army Tank.
I reserved laughter for the resolution and here came sister, big breasts flopping under a white cardboard bib, face all red and flushed with every intention to beat Teddy’s behind until he begged for mercy from the Lord who she claimed was her husband.
Sister, who was wearing patent leather black nun shoes, was cranking for Christ, at full speed but instead of employing the instinctual hypotenuse direct line to prey route, she got a bit off line, then overcorrected with an abrupt obtuse angle and her feet went out from under her.
No one with any perceptual abilities and sense of normalcy can stay together when confronted with the site of a rolling nun into a row of folding chairs.
I would give anything to laugh that hard just one more time in my life. It was worth the resulting assault as a virtual nun riot broke out inside the Our Lady of Grace gym.
“I hope you did something special to deserve those handprints on your face and haven’t taken to smacking yourself in the head,”my grandmother said, as I walked into the kitchen after school.
I told her the story and she began smacking herself in the face then ordered me to stop! Write a book "The Nun Also Rises" she laughed. 'You gotta do it! Promise me you'll do it!"

Freddpuppy