Freddogg Off The Chain

When all else, fails break out the Elephant impression. Last Friday morning I was a guest in a first grade classroom in Milton, Delaware because my neighbor Haley made her teacher Julie, a former student of mine, invite me.

I wrote my name on the wax board Fredman and below that wrote Freddogg. They choose to call me freddogg and thought that was so cool.

Each kid read a journal entry to me and showed me the art work to go with it. Julie had a small microphone that projected and amplified their voices. The first time a kid used it I thought he had a tracheotomy and laryngectomy from too much smoking.

It is almost impossible for me not to wisecrack, it is just who I am, so I had to inhibit myself because what does a six year old understand about jokes? But more on that later.

A cute little girl-as opposed to big fat ugly overgrown hairy wart faced girl-read a story about her family dog dying. It was so precious and afterwards I said, ’Anna look at me. Don’t ever do that again! I did not come here to cry.” Then she showed me a misshapen drawing with this big fat body and little head and I said, ’No wonder your dog died he ate the living room couch and the television. And shouldn't he be on his back with his four legs pointed up in the air?’ Anna was way beyond lamenting the demise of a way gone dog she just liked the fact I was sparring with her.

And then Julie had me read them a story and I felt like George Bush in Fahrenheit 451. It was about a family who went to the zoo to pick up a newborn instead of the hospital. They kept bringing home different animal babies and it was so stupid I kept embellishing it and saying things like “what is wrong with these idiots and why is the baby elephant standing in the parking lot and they asked why and I said because he locked his keys in his truck and they started chanting “Joke! Joke! Joke!” tell us jokes and I said “You guys are only six what do you know from jokes” and honest to god this one kid says ”we know you ain’t funny” and I responded “Oh yea it’s not like I’m getting paid so somebody give me a dollar and they all yelled “No”!

When I was leaving I challenged them to an elephant impression elimination survivor contest. I won because I was clearly the best. I had to do several encore elephants which was drawing a bewildered crowd of students and teachers in the hallway.

Upon leaving I was attacked like a big tree in the middle of the room, kids of all colors and shapes hanging on me saying,” Don’t go Freddogg, we love you!”

I told Julie the teacher, ”I have no idea why little kids like me because quite frankly if they didn’t I wouldn’t mind.”
“They like you because you talk to them,”she said. They can sense a connection.”

You know it is true children just know if you are for real.

Freddogg