Freddogg Off The Chain

I want to push a baby blue shopping cart into a dinner time crowded Food Lion then scan the aisles left to right on your radio dial from produce to Popsicles before breaking into a full throttle frenzied physical freak out.
I want to play speed racer and collision other carts. I want to screw the tops of Vitamin water bottles, toss them, and yell “grenade!”
I want to Fosbury flop into ground chuck. Knock over display tables. I want to stamp prices on top of bald people’s heads. I want to go into a Goose Gossage stretch and throw a bell pepper 90 miles and hour at attitude Checker in the express line. I want to slap the perfect woman with new permanent hair coloring with a thin slice of boiled ham right across the face just leaving her three for the next three days to make lunch for her fat assed husband.
I’m not done! There are laps to run and people to corner until they bark. I don’t want to hurt anyone and just want reactions. I will go crouching dragon and wait for a friend to cautiously approach before sprinting to attack and nipping them in the ass with a soft bite.
I envy my dog Darby. He is a young male who gets “full of himself” on walks into the wild. He runs and bounds and actually looks back at himself like “this is so great and I am so full of myself. I am uncontained and unrestrained. I’m going to get wet and funky and drink rain water. I am the bowling ball to a thousand snow geese, the nightmare to the scraggly fox. I am annoying and it feels so good! I will push it to exhaustion then go sleep in the truck waiting for a WaWa ride and plain donut. My life is perfect!
All that survivor reality bullshit is about losing oneself but the secret formula is “play outside-sleep inside.” We spend too much time stifling exuberance!

Dr. Freddogg