Freddogg Off The Chain

A woman drags her husband to family therapy to sort out the dynamic that is destroying their marriage.
‘He’s a hobophobic and I can’t stand it anymore,”the wife says.
‘You mean homophobic? You mean your husband is homophobic?”
“I know what homophobic means,”she shoots back. “I mean hobophobic.”
“And what exactly is a hobophobic, ”the therapist asked?
“Hobophobic-you know-he’s a fucking bum!”

Last night at a basketball game I asked a retired doctor with whiskey on his breath where a mutual friend had been keeping himself because I hadn’t seen his rich ass in a couple of years.
“He’s a reclusive homophobic,”the guy told me, off the record on condition of anonymity.
“He doesn’t go to restaurants or bars because he is afraid of being served by a gay person.”
“Perhaps he was served in his childhood years,”I speculated. “How does a normal person develop a phobia so debilitating that his paranoia cast every male as a potential threat to his masculinity. Hey, wait a minute; this guy thinks I’m gay, doesn’t he?”
“ I don’t know, ” the Doc replied, then later told me he was going to the Philadelphia Flower Show on Sunday and asked me if I had ever been to it?’
“Now that’s straight up faggot,” I told him. “Flower show? How does your garden grow and what is a cockle shell, never mind, I don’t want to know?”
I am not phobic or racist in anyway although I admit skinny tattooed dumb-assed young white males with two earrings I’d love to hit in the face with a plank if I could get away with it.
I have a degree in Anthropology and wanted to travel to exotic places, record strange behaviors, customs and courtship patterns, then while back in the safety of my stateside office, make fun of those people in print. There is just too much serious literature that no one will ever read. My first ethnography was going to be titled: “Third World White People”.

Two years ago I counseled an ineligible 270 pound high school shot putter. “I’ll give you three explanations for your grades, one worse than the next”, I said.

“First: You’re depressed and have lost energy and interest in yourself.

Second: Drugs even marijuana robs a person of ambition and fosters poor performance.

Third: You really are that stupid you big lazy fucking moron!”

I’m going out into the world now to confront my fears. I wonder if my wife is interested in going to the Flower Show?

Professor Freddogg