Freddogg Off The Chain

I have often been perceived as the likely entry level employment adult from women asking me to check their fluid levels as I pass by the full service pump to confused soot covered guy in aisle seven at Lowe’s asking me where he can find an eight inch stove pipe elbow.
I am always congenial and loquacious rather than “how the freak should I know” rude guy because it’s my fault I look non-accomplished.
No one ever mistakes me for doctor on the way to the OR quite the contrary I am sometimes stalked by candy-stripers pushing an empty chair.
One time a ‘swear she cute” 50 year old woman smiled and said I reminded her of the detective on NYPD Blue not the handsome one played by Jimmy Smits but the other one what’s his name? “Sipowicz,”I said. “But how does a bald and fat actor with a pocked marked face remind you of me.”
“It the attitude and I guess the fat part, she sneaked in followed quickly by “just kidding” to which I replied ; “Well being as we’re just kidding here ‘bite me’”!
A short and fat, never in a million years, get a 13 foot Boston Whaler up on plane, guy once remarked to me than spandex bike shorts weren’t for “guys like us.” I simply grimaced rather than say “guys like freaking us you circus balloon mother humper?”
Knee and hip replacement guys have given me the names of their doctors and rehab facilities but I told them I don’t have those problems.
“Oh yea, than why are you limping”? a Ph D. friend who is a scientist retorted. “I have chronic jock itch”, I said, walking away, knowing he’d go home and tell his wife.
And now the heart guys who love me are on my tail with tales of silent blockages and suggestions of nuclear echo card stress tests and I told one friend “my doctor said it was contraindicated “and I was basically reassured that didn’t mean I wasn’t a walking time bomb who could blow up and combust without warning because I wrote about hot dogs and I was a big guy.
Grand mom Rose always said, “Life is not a game you can win and sometimes it is painful and depressing but tell me when is a hot dog not fun”? I paused to ponder as she snapped “Freaking never!”