Freddogg Off The Chain

Thirty years ago I was teaching a class of high school special education kids all freaking endless day long. Needless to say they got on each others last nerves and spent a great deal of time targeting soft targets and scoring put down points.
I made a double iced not symmetrical triple layered bulging disc for each of their birthdays but in order to get a piece of cake everyone had to participate in the dreaded song serenade and then shake the persons hand and wish them a happy birthday without any qualifying commentaries like “Happy Birthday you ugly dog or greasy water buffalo or best wishes you ho bitch.”
Yesterday a women who if she lived in a glass igloo would melt the polar ice cap said to me,”Happy birthday, you old fart.”
I called her on it and disqualified her from the monthly company cake which all employees will eat and they don’t care if your old birthday ass shows up or not.
Once my teacher self walked into a faculty dining room on my birthday and the old maid with 17 cats announced me as a birthday boy because she didn’t want anyone forgetting her's which was two days later or so I was told for 20 straight years.
The dreaded song commenced and I stood enduring it and when it came to the part where a name is inserted there was a slight pause because my name is Dave but no one calls me that and the last name is Frederick and no one calls me that and one or two may call me Fred but mostly I am Fredman so what came out was “Happy Birthday Dear Deadman” which sent me off on a riff saying I was the first person to ever hear that and when I actually died I would appreciate it if every March 14 they would all pause before removing the toothpick from their wiener wink and sing the “Happy Birthday Dear Deadman” song in my honor.
I share a birthday with Albert Einstein-we share the same hair-and the same secret- neither of us had/have the foggiest idea what he was/is talking about.
I do know if fat Aunt Rose were rocketed into space and achieved the speed of blue light she would land in the 1957 food court of the Bargain City Farmer’s Market in Bristol Pennsylvania.
I am so out!
Peace

Deputy Deaddogg