Freddogg Off The Chain

“Good morning celebrants and supplicants will everyone kindly rise the fuck up?”


I am in the beginning stages of a new disorder which will someday bear my name and become a syndrome. Currently I call it Configurational Disorder where I see the general structure of a word but my subconscious mind changes it to make it inappropriate, or god forbid, funny. And now I’m starting to mishear words like when I asked a young waitress last week, ”How would I like my flaker? What’s a flaker?” She said, ”I said filet" and I’m thinking “filet me too”-you know aluminum diner humor. Fredman Syndrome may be my lasting legacy or in layman’s terms ‘When Grand Pappy went Full Blown Nuts.”
Last week at a meeting something was said about United Epworth Methodist Church but I heard "United F Word Methodist" and, of course, I would join if there were such a religion.
I had a dream on Martin Luther King Day about a yodeler with turrets syndrome. “Yodel yodel bi-ite me” would be funny if you shouted it from the early morning hill side like the proverbial Dylan rooster at the break of dawn except in the village you would be the fowl mouthed yodeler.
All progressive syndromes begin with a harmless and innocuous event like a few years back where I told a mobile waitress that I prefer my cheese to be happy. My wife asked my why I was trying out way obscure material on a blue collar waitress in an upscale restaurant.
‘She asked me if I wanted some frustrated cheese and I said “no thanks, I prefer my cheese to be happy.”
“She said, ‘fresh grated’ not frustrated.”
“You mean as opposed to grated a long time ago and pushing an expiration date? But the bitch is walking around carrying a fucking cheese grater. You don’t have to say fresh simply ask ‘you want some of this bullshit cheese shaved or should I just whack off a block”?

You can see that for males who begin life in the classroom of double meanings and sexual innuendos that some of us would return to the happy playground of yesteryear. Every word written or uttered is a challenge to be changed to something inappropriate. Starting the game that cleverness is held in high regard but at the end of the game everyone thinks you’re crazy.

Fred Doggy Daddy