Freddogg Off The Chain

How come knotty pine ain’t cool anymore? What happened to dark sheets of paneling and painting over it with textured sand paint? Where did aluminum siding suddenly go? And stucco rocks the house and can be easily re-brightened adding something called bluing. Fake brick is good in 4 by 8 sheets. Where is my past? I want a gym with linoleum floor and half moon metal backboards. I want to see school girls in jumpers and letter sweaters with all kinds of freaking pins.
Linoleum and Congoleum and freaking Formica and porcelain double sinks weighing 800 pounds. Car ports with crap piled underneath them what happened to car ports?
And why aren’t all refrigerators white, with rounded edges at the top with big-assed levers to pull to get inside "the Icebox".
And satin warm-ups for basketball teams and short pants with fake belts and high numbers on the back like 55? Modern basketball uniforms go all the way back to old ass Chris Weber and a Fab Five and they are baggy and stupid and impractical.
And my favorite furniture the wrap around couch especially the wrapping curved piece, That sucker was bad just so many way to arrange the living room and I want a calico cat on top of a black and white t v. and I want it to bite and be filled with static electricity.
And no diet products or freaking wheat bread or multi-grain just full blown Wise Chips mayonnaise and Frank’s soda in bottles too cold to touch.
The only place to find these things in 2008 is at retro gay parties which is ironic because prior to 1967 there where no gay people it was the majority class of off white crumb bums who decided on labels which were never flattering and no one was immune the entire country mocked every variation and peccadillo of everyone else.
I threw the cat at the flat screen last night right in the middle of a Vagisil commercial. I don’t need to see a pretty girl with an itching problem where’s the allure and respect in all that.
And I want nicknames to be clever and accurate and reflect intelligence like my boy Congruent Head from back in the day you never knew if he was walking away of coming towards you. Friends called him S.A.S. for side angle side just to be geometrically consistent.
Now where’s my IPod I’m off to the gym for some passive exercise.

Freddogg